Thursday, April 2, 2015

Open wide and say Ahhhh



I met Nutella last weekend, and now there's no turning back. We're a couple; don't judge us.

Life's important moments are like that. You're at a party, not expecting much in particular, and then you meet the sweet but not too sweet, the bold and saucy, wild and salty. At which point, you just don't care -- about what music is playing, the guy who brung you, or anyone else in the room. You just go for it.

Nutella and I, we shared a spoon and frenched, yes we did, on the first date in the first hour, before God and everyone. I'm not ashamed. It was natural and beautiful.

For years, people tried to set us up. "May I introduce you to Nutella, you're meant for each other," they said. But I resisted. The name Nutella -- rather disturbing. Like some unholy alliance of nutrition, lecture, and possibly meat. Related somehow to that vomit-in-a-jar, Vegemite.

Oh, we're martyrs to our preconceptions.

But that's all in the past. Today, the name is like a poem -- Nutellawwwww.

Apparently in England and weird places like that, they prefer Nutella left in a cupboard, so it's limp and weepy, poured over toast points and crackers. That's the English in a nutshell, is it not?

I say, refrigerate Nutella until what you've got is a candy bar that you can lick straight from the jar. Or, if you put on your party manners, something to excavate with a hammer and spoon.

I don't claim there's nothing better. There's always something better, that's what we live for. But during one of those 3 a.m. moments, one of those dark-night-of-the-soul wrestling matches that apparently you're losing, stand at the base of the fridge and shout, "Nu-TELLAHHHHH!"

You'll get an answer. Not the perfect answer, but better than sufficient; it comes with hazelnuts.

19 comments:

  1. I agree, doesn't sound good until you taste it.

    After tasting it, I promoted it to one of my disaster kit foods. I figured, when things are tough, Nutella will make it seem better and provide plenty of calories.

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  2. Jean, what a great idea! Karin, I laughed so much over this until I got to the English bit. Who're ya calling limp and weepy? When it's at room temperature, it's easier to fill large tablespoons with it straight from the jar. It's banned in our house because we'd never stop eating it.

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  3. Jean, you've got self-restraint. Nutella wouldn't last a day in my disaster kit.

    Bellis, I knew that would get a rise out of you.

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  4. The kids eat Nutella sandwiches, and tell me chocolate is healthy. Something about those hazelnuts makes them think I'll buy into that. As for me, if I never meet Nutella, my fat, wrinkled rump will be slightly less fat. And that's a good thing. A youthful hiker like you? Nothing to worry about in that department. Just don't let Albert and Mr. Cat get to it.

    And, Bellis? I'm with you on filling tablespoons more easily at room temperature. Or I would be if I indulged.

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  5. “Nutella, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Nu-tel-la: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Nu. Tel. La."

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  6. Some people like it way too much: A court in the French city of Valenciennes ruled that a baby girl's parents could not name their daughter Nutella, saying that it can only lead to teasing or disparaging thoughts.

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  7. ***I know this is a pretty brainy bunch but maybe I should have made clear it's a re-working of the first few lines from "Lolita."

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  8. The Brainy Bunch knows it.

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  9. Since my first taste.........I can still have a Harry Met Sally moment. I"ve told friends that I absolutely can't have a jar of Nutella in this house because I'd get in a closet and a spoon. V

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  10. I've resisted Nutella all these years because I couldn't understand the notion of putting chocolate on toast. Now I see I've totally misunderstood its features and benefits.

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  11. Nutella is not on my radar, so I Googled and went to Wiki [See, even an old dog learns new tricks]. What I learned: When a fancy restaurant offers a pricey dessert with Gianduja, they are giving you a smear of Nutella by any other name.

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  12. Had the label said Gianduja, we would have dated in my teens.

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  13. I'll pass. Give me a box of needhams and some almonds or pecans late at night after all have been sentenced to neverneverland. I'm happy. Guilty as hell but happy. Now, I've got other sins as you know....

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  14. I cracked up when I saw your primal shout. Rhymes with STELLAHHHHH!"

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  15. I like Nutella, but I don't eat it because it provides much calories.

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  16. 'Tis a dangerous thing to have in the house when one is trying to diet...

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