Sunday, August 31, 2014

Irritating stuff that doesn't matter



Blame it on the US Open. Blame it on the New York thunderstorm.

My plan for the day was to hike early (done), then watch a lot of athletically gifted people run around the tennis court while I drank beer and ate cheeseburgers.

But then, when rain shut down the Open, I left the house to hit the trail again. And that's why and only why I found this huge butt of an SUV blocking my walkway.

Yeah, I have a traffic cone there, during the neighborhood parties, to properly identify my walkway. It's pretty much my one way in and one way out of the house. But apparently, this GMC figured the cone just meant, hey, don't drive, in a perpendicular direction, through the front door or living room window, but as for your giant ass, feel free to park it wherever you like.

Certain remedies, tactics, came to mind. Eggs, soap. Doing that chalk-circle thing around the SUV and writing ASSHOLE PARKING -- but since this is in front of my house, I feared the asshole would be mis-identified. Then I thought about leaving a note, a scathing note, on the windshield. Something that started with "Dear Jerk," or "Stupid stupid head." Oh, I constructed many many versions in my head.

Thank god I'm a coward at heart. The car will be out of my life by tonight; the US Open has resumed play. Of all my best traits, it's the power of the coward that has saved my bacon, and who knows how many regrets, time and time again.

27 comments:

  1. Thank you for providing an example of restraint and calling it cowardly for laughs. I am a proud coward too. My neighbor and I share the driveway. Their daughter regularly parks her gigantic gas guzzler (you've pictured same) in front of my steps. I try to distract myself from my inability to leave the house when this happens. Extreme anxiety sets in. I want to yell at her or throw myself onto the hood of that monster and stomp across to the sidewalk wearing my authentic wooden clogs. Something stops me even when no other distraction exists. The driver 3'x3' taller and wider than me and has a much bigger ponytail.

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  2. I am always constructing the perfect verbal rebuke/letter in my head. Best that it stays there for the reasons you stated. But golly gee...don't you hope they get theirs someday?!

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  3. And today was the day they were delivering the piano!

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  4. You can politely ask them to move it, pointing out that they have (unwittingly, of course) blocked your egress. Sometimes this works.

    But I hear you. When I lived in Hollywood near Beverly and Gardner, you know how crowded that area is, how small those driveways are. Our next door neighbor was always blocking the driveway by a foot or so. We could not leave without driving over a high curb.

    We asked. Many times. He did not move his car. When his car's paint job was completely ruined, apparently by someone dragging their car keys along every surface, he moved it. We rejoiced.

    I don't know who did that.

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  5. Sure the assbutt had no idea what the cone meant. Assbutts have that problem.

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  6. You live near the US Open? Cool.

    My blood boils over the smallest things, most of them having to do with my privacy and a disregard for my boundaries. I can fume over them for ... well, let's not put a number on it shall we? Point is, there will always be those who feel the rules are not for them. In the end, I usually rely on my friend, Karma to kick some ass for me, and I usually feel much better.

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  7. I think our needs for privacy and boundaries are huge, which is why we always feel so stressed when they're invaded.

    I like Petrea's idea of assuming they did it unwittingly and asking for what you need (if you know who they are).

    I make no judgments about the second step. Did you see the photo of the fire hose going through the broken windows of a BMW that was parked right beside a fire hydrant a few years ago?

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  8. On the other hand, Patrizzi, maybe sprawling on the truck is just the ticket.

    That's why we write, Sharon. It's safer.

    And the refrigerator, Earl.

    Petrea & Janet, no, no way of telling who it belonged to. As to who was responsible for the paint job, I'll bet he's tall and speaks Latin.

    Birdman, guess it didn't have their name on it.

    Carolynn, the US Open is on the other side of the continent and as close as my laptop. You know, next bit party on the street I can take precautionary measures; draw the chalk circle and write Asshole Parking before anyone parks there.

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  9. I know of an online printer that will make you a decent "Asshole Parking" sign for cheap.

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  10. I wonder what the percentages are, the head count, in AssButts vs. Wisdom-Cowards.

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  11. I used to have the neighbors from all 7 circles of hell. We fought with them a lot, we had to to survive.

    I say let a lot of the air out of one front tire and one rear tire. Next time, they might think about their next move. The only problem is there always seems to be someone ready to take their place.

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  12. No, PJ, my neighbors are great. This was just a party guest, and my temporary tantrum (after bucking my shin twice on the bumper).

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  13. You did the right thing not to act. I don't always have your restraint and then deeply regret it afterwards, because I can't just ask someone calmly and nicely: I soon start yelling and saying rude things in my best English. Afterwards my blood pressure rises and I worry about a heart attack or stroke. Venting on your blog is a much better solution.

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  14. I figured as much, discussions about neighbors is something I should just not participate in. I have to say the neighbors we have now are great, thank goodness.

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  15. Bellis does speak the best English. It makes it very difficult to argue with her, even when I'm right.

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  16. So, was it wrong when the neighbor's lawn service parked their truck blocking my driveway, but not the neighbor's, and I sat there in my Cadillac laying on the horn until he arrived? And then when he did arrive and said his boss had the keys, offered to call the police and have his truck towed? Oops. My bad.

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  17. Love seeing your garden with so many trees. I like the rocks and the bricks on the garden pavement too!

    Some neighbors are very selfish!

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  18. We have this issue with our driveway and the fire hydrant next to us. When we put our own cones out, we got a notice from the local PD saying we couldn't . . . irritating!

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  19. Marjie, you're classic, and fight your own battles. But if I had your handful of 8-foot vikings at my disposal, I'd tell Lars or Torvald to visit the party and politely explain the situation.

    Sonia, getting rid of the grass, as we all seem to have to out this way due to drought. Soon will be a wood-chippy landscape. Bushes and trees will stay.

    Bec, even if they let you keep the cone, it wouldn't hold much sway. But, you know, first-world problem.

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  20. I love your title: "Irritating stuff that doesn't matter." Of course it doesn't really MATTER matter, but I feel your pain. You know what, though? I've unintentionally blocked people's egress on one or two occasions. Guess that makes me a sometime a*hole, too. LOL

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  21. Without a doubt I've probably done something similar, Lizzie.

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  23. I also possess the power of the coward. It is my super power.

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  24. It is my duty, to tell some people (just in case they don't know), that they are assholes. Somebody has to do it, right? I don't even have to be angry to do it.

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  25. The wheels themselves are an affront.

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