Friday, March 28, 2014

That's just sick

There are few things more boring than someone who drones on and on about a run-of-the-mill illness. Where it hurts; how it feels; which viscous internal fluids are in attendance -- color and volume. No one wants to hear about it.

I have the flu.

It's that new and improved flu, the one everybody is raving about. And yes, it is special; rather like a world tour, as the thing starts (oh wait, in case you catch it, this is a spoiler alert) with a volcanic throat from, say Italy, and progresses to weird Amazon-like barking noises from the chest, and ends, four days later with a hard landing inside the nostrils of Niagara Falls.

A couple of friends left some sacrificial lambs by my front door. Meds, soup, pie. Pie? I don't know if it's because I'm high as a kite after doubling down on Theraflu, but that one seems rather frivolous to me. Like, maybe he doesn't think I'm really sick, but just kind of stay at home and watch Netflix sort of sick?

And if that's what he thinks, he's wrong, so wrong. I'm in bed, flat on my back, listening to audio books. Hours and hours of audio books. There's light years of free audio books on youtube. Which should be a good thing, but actually ended up spoiling many of my illusions.

What I've discovered is that, while 30-minutes of Sarah Vowell enchants, 31-minutes is irritating, and 240-minutes pure torture. Ditto Sedaris. Ken Burns, Cooke.

As for Winston Churchill -- put a fucking sock in it.

Then again, this just might be the Alka-Seltzer Plus talking.

25 comments:

  1. Hard to believe you’re writing with clarity and humor in the midst of the F-word. Heroic! Good luck with it.

    So Theraflu really works? I haven’t tried it. And audio books on YouTube? That’s news to me.

    Remember when we endured the flu or long car trips and audio books didn’t exist? Or are you too young for such barbarism?

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  2. I love me a good Theraflu. It's about the only thing that actually makes me sleep soundly, albeit with some really weird dreams (like the time I had to cook an 8 pound turkey for Robert Redford). So I wouldn't have to worry about ol' Winston droning on far too long; that would just become some weird dream.

    As for the pie, I do believe my dearly beloved would say that's much better medicine than the soup. And then he'd scold me for having not made him a pie in about 3 months. Hope you're on the way out of the flu-fog.

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  3. While I was sick last week (as opposed to while I was still sick this week) I learned that over-the-counter painkillers (ibuprofen, acetaminophen, even aspirin) have something in them called MOAI, which makes any other drug you're taking potentially dangerous. Cold meds have this stuff, so be careful. I was making myself very sick by taking it and I didn't start getting better 'til I stopped.

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  4. How about someone who drones on about 'not ever having the flu'? I haven't been sick since 1990 when I had a flu shot... Anyone drop off some zinc and hot toddies? I swear those items work.. BTW how is Albert?

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  5. There are audio books on youtube...? *ears perking*

    I'm so sorry to hear you're sick. The flu is awful at any time of year, but to get it in the spring just seems all the more unjust. Rest, eat pie, and get better.

    Carolynn

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  6. Keep getting better. You are so right about the joy of 30 minutes and the torture of more.

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  7. Karin, I'm so sorry to hear you're with flu. It's really awful. I hope you will be better soon. Have a good weekend too.

    Petrea thanks for the warning about MOAI. I have never hear about it before. Very important to know about that!

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  8. Sonia, I found it on the label, no secret. It's just that I had always thought those drugs were harmless.

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  9. Glad you're sick. We get to read you again.

    Look up The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia for a change of pace (Amazon).

    Only then will I hope you can forgive me.

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  10. Banjo, I'm familiar with that barbarism. By the way, the best audio book reader: Prunella Scales.

    Marjie, re: turkey, it's probably because your husband bears a passing resemblance to RR.

    Petrea, I'm not on any other drugs or medications, so think I'm exempted. Good PSA, tho.

    KBF, Albert is being a real gentleman. In five days, he hasn't even gone dumpster diving, which is a personal best.

    You're a fan, Carolynn? Yes, lots and lots. Thanks for the info on watercolor pencils; I'm ordering.

    Jean, it was sort of like the time I dated a Russian. At first the accent was really adorable, but after a few months...

    Thanks Sonia, this too will pass.

    Bandit, thanks -- off to check it out.



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  11. Well damn!!! The flu sucks...
    Hope you're well soon....I've always favored old black and white movies when I'm sick...

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  12. I think it was Margaret who came dropping off pies on your door step. If it's a Marie Callender chicken pot pie (still frozen) you know it's me.

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  13. The Wild and Wonderful Whites will either cure you or put you in the hospital. It's . . . spay-shul.

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  14. Oh no, I'll just bet there's an Earlene.

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  15. Get better. I don't have a pie, but you might like this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ucsq_LyU62c

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  16. I'm so sorry, I hope your grand tour ends in Paris with art, romance, and great food.

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  17. Call me if you need any chicken soup dropping off. There's nothing worse than being ill all by yourself, so I'm glad Albert's rising to the challenge and taking care of you. When I have flu or a bad cold, the only things I can read are magazines like Us and People. Anything more taxing on the brain - like Churchill (though impressive) - doesn't sink in. I guess it's because the body's trying to throw off a virus and the last thing it needs is for those brain cells to hog all the energy? The Daily Mail website won't tax your brain much.

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  18. Aw, thanks Bellis, but nothing required -- I've been well taken care of. Very interesting theory re: reading material.

    Paula, sounds like a plan.

    Anon, if Bellis is right, I'd better hold off on that one.

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  19. Hopefully you are now on the mend, but if further assistance is required I have found that Chartreuse [green, not blonde] is most helpful, maybe because it tastes like medicine in a yummy sort of way. Just say the word and I'll drop a dose or two by. Or my daddy's favorite: a shot or two of bourbon mixed into honey and lemon that has been well warmed. Guess that shows that my medicine chest looks allot like a likker cabinet.

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  20. Flu: misery. Get better soon.

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  21. I hope you're well on the mend by now. I think I'd be in another zone if I listened to that many audio books while I was sick, especially if I had a fever, which does strange things to my sense of reality.

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  22. I hope you're feeling better. It's awful to be laid up like that. Then you think you'll get some listening/watching/reading done but you're too sick to enjoy it. There is some valuable medical advice to glean from the comments - you have inadvertently provided a service to your readers, so there's that. Albert wants you to get better so you can get back to running and taking those delicious walks ~

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  23. Genu-wine chicken soup's the remedy, as far as I'm concerned . . . the real deal, simmered for a couple of hours, at least, with carrots, parsnips, celery, maybe even matzoh It's made a difference when a difference was needed.

    Reading material? Definitely the National Enquirer or the Globe. One needs a laugh.

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  24. Once upon a time, I posted asking for remedies to severe colds and flus. One person highly recommended hot chili vodka.

    It works wonders. Every part that hurts is loosened, and you're distracted by the burn while what was tight is no longer tight, what was stuffed becomes unstuffed. And, it's booze, which really is, sometimes, the answer.

    Feel better, AH.

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  25. Can't wait to get sick again, it's going to be a 24-hour Chartreuse and Chili Vodka party.

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