Tuesday, October 8, 2013

We Won't Stop: Notes from Albert



Don't get me started on the tongue-thing. I invented the tongue-thing.



My girl friend Lily can do it, too; but I'm a professional, and she's just a talented amateur. And yes, we can both twerk. I invented the twerk, thank you for asking. Again, I'm better at it than Lily, but Lily is better than Miley.

My greatest claim to local fame, however, is a certain move. A solo piece, both sexy and shocking. A move I'm not afraid to perform in the open -- whether at the vet's office, a dinner party, or waiting for money to spit from the ATM; I can even sneak in a performance on a walk while waiting for the light to change. Sure, it looks easy. But as the Italians say, Spezzatura. This drop-twist-head tucked up the ass, requires great flexibility, concentration, and lightning reflexes.

Like other great artists, I publicly value my personal space.

As for my work, though some have cited Miley as my major influence, I give total credit to the republican party. Through this party's brave example, I learned that it's ok to tune out that irritating criticism, the buzz-buzz-buzz from my fellow man, and focus on my privates.

As the saying goes, Ars longa vita brevis. I think I invented that too. Because my ars is really longa.

27 comments:

  1. Albert, call me anytime. I'm the girl with poodle hair.

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  2. Oh, Albert, I hope other young celebrities don't take too many cues from you, at least not without credit.

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  3. "This drop-twist-head tucked up the ass". Definitely might get you elected in some reddish precincts. Not here in Altadena though.

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  4. On the upside, this piece only had one spelling error. Personal best! Well, only one so far as we know -- we're putting our trust in a tart with poodle hair.

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  5. Wine all over keyboard! You've got to stop doing this, Albert.

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  6. Oh, Albert!

    Such talent. Admirable in an artist, not so much so in a politician.

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  7. Looks like Albert has one up on Cyrus.. he carries that tongue well- not obnoxious/pretentious....

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  8. Oh Albert. You've given Dakota a new challenge. She almost has that drop-twist-head thing down pat, but she's still an amateur compared to you.

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  9. Yay! Humor, political commentary, and a new word! Thank you Albert!

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  10. I have long known that dogs mock us, nice to know we have visual evidence to prove it!

    Except that it would reduce his standing in the world, I'd suggest he be a write in for a Congressional position so that we could get some real work done. I think he is too good a pup to have to dumb down his ways and be a Congressman! (not that he's the brightest bulb...Albert goddammit, but he's brighter than most Congresspersons).

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  11. OK...perhaps my age is showing...or maybe it's just that I've been up the mountain with hardly any oxygen...Just exactly what is twerking???

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  12. Albert's got a girlfriend...a girlfriend!!!

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  13. Those last two paragraphs are special! Well done.

    What if Miley C ran for Congress? Or what if we had video of Boehner twerking? Is that a bridge too far? But you KNOW he's into it . . . . OK, then, how about 5K of double-twerk by Palin and O'Bockman? Bikinis or cheerleader outfits--whaddya think?

    (footnote Letterman on "O'Bockman" sp)

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  14. I may be the only person above 40 who liked Miley's video "We Can't Stop" I thought it was 'twerky'

    Albert - "it's our party we can do what we want"

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  15. I'm shocked, disgusted, appalled that an extremist group of elected officials, totally bereft of conscience and intelligence, is able to shut a country -- my country --down. I couldn't care less what goes on in a music video (except when it gives me some material to work with).

    If you want a sense of how the far righters are squirming and trying to figure out a way to exit the disaster they've created, just listen to far rightwing radio. They're all Miley-Miley-Miley.

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  16. Albert, you're an inspiration.

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  17. This is so perfect. This made me happy.

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  18. Albert, one day I would love to know you in person!

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  19. It takes a special talent to connect those three - and Albert looks the best of all.

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  20. Yes, but does Albert know how to use his nose like a sledgehammer, particularly when on the upswing and located under someone's chin? That, my furry friend, is a spectacular move that creates stars AND fireworks. Very impressive.

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  21. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  22. I've read this several times -- you do such good work! :-)

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  23. I'd rather watch Albert and Lily twerk {independently ~ I draw the line at simultaneous twerking} than Miley any day of the week.

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  24. I carry a sign, "Will twerk for food."

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