Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Spam and Eggs

I wouldn't check my spam box every morning except some of the nicest people end up in there. I've even fished you out from time to time, floundering somewhere between Ladies Love Size and Release Your Inner Ellen Degeneres.

They say our social media purveyors, using some algorithm made up of facebook, blogger, friends, and comments, assemble and sell a profile of each of us to various spamitizers. Which I find rather unsettling, considering the contents of my spam.

I'm targeted pretty specifically; my ads come in four basic flavors: Weight loss, wrist watches, self-assertion, and orgies.

The weight loss clinics ("Don't Move and Get Thin") apparently eschew pesky old fashioned techniques such as diet and exercise. In fact, it seems, calorie reduction and exertion of any sort simply packs on the pounds. Should I at any point heave myself out of my Barcalounger and waddle across the floor, that, according to the Salma Hayek program, is a recipe for disaster. Success will come to she who sits and waits. Which in my case is preaching to the choir. It's a regimen I've followed for years, though maybe I fidget too much.

The wrist watch vendors, on the other hand, dazzle me with knockoffs, swiss-ish timepieces, custom designed for those in the market for the cheap and illegal.

And don't get me started on the self-assertion options -- Deepak, drums, screams.

As for the orgies my spam has on offer, we're not talking cozy little threesomes here, but parties, chock full of intriguing characters. And many famous faces (yeah, wouldn't you like to know).

Put it all together, though, and we get a disturbing picture. My profile spells fat nagging bitch clock watcher. The orgy wallflower, invited along because she's the only one who can tell the time. The kind of girl who at the appropriate moment will blow a whistle and shout, "Hey sport, that's four hours, so let's wrap it up and get some immediate medical attention around here."

Somehow I thought the cloud would see me as someone, I don't know, more glamorous or something. Although I am receiving a trickle of sleep deprivation spam lately, so perhaps the cloud thinks all is not hopeless. Thinks it's possible I am, after all, attractive to one of the orgy's more discerning movie stars -- the kind of guy who appreciates a woman who can both read a Rolexalike and rock a muumuu.

32 comments:

Doris Finch said...

Having accumulated equally depressing Spam--aging remedies, vacuum cleaners, ED [moi?] etc., I sympathize. I have also been mistaken for nasty pink meat and sent to correspondents' Junk file. What? My comments are that bad? So every year there is a Great Spam Cook-off, this year in Austin TX. http://www.foodnetwork.com/food-network-challenge/the-spam-cook-off/index.html
Perhaps we should have a collection or competition of the Worst Spam Received Yet.

Doris Finch said...

PS. I've been trying to picture you in a muumuu. Keeps provoking fits of giggles, followed by loud guffaws.

Ms M said...

Insightful essay!
Let's see: on FB I have ads for massage, a Master's in Social Media, "Cremation is personal", Zappos shoes, Black Veil Brides concert tickets, and a credit card. My email spam includes ads for Viagra and other assorted drugs, cruise vacation packages, "trustworthy" single men, and dresses from Overstock.

Katie said...

Spam can be very annoying, but it sure made for a fabulously funny post to hear about yours! The image of you with a whistle keeping track of 4 hours is classic. My current email address gets very little spam, but I just checked my old one which had lots of it. They must think I'm a dude as there are lots of cures for ED, and women writing to me saying things like "Hi, handsome man! How is your life!"

Bellis said...

This is so funny, I can't make a meaningful comment right now. The sight of you in a muu muu wearing a flashy watch timing the length of an orgy has me shaking with laughter.

But I have some advice for spam sufferers: migrate to Gmail.

Shell Sherree said...

Sorry, I can't come to the comments box at the moment. I'm too busy laughing.

Anonymous said...

Your spam is way more exciting than mine. I'll swap you my acne medication or viagra for one of those watches.

Carolynn Anctil said...

One of your best! The sidebar on my Facebook page always has ads picturing freakish looking creatures (women...?)who have obviously had surgical procedures go terribly wrong, touting beauty products. I'm not sure I want to know why I've been chosen for that particular campaign.

As for my e-mail spam, they frequently attempt to entice me with grandiose claims of penis enlargement - mine, apparently. Did I get a sex change and no one told me?

I may need counselling soon.

altadenahiker said...

Doris, now maybe I'll get designer muumuu spam. Dare to dream.

Ms M, trusted to do what, I wonder.

Katie, at least you're handsome.

Bellis, interesting, but I heard gmail is one of the worst offenders when it comes to collecting and selling your info.

Shell, nothing to share with the class?

Anon, you're on.

Carolynn, would that be drums or screaming?

Carolynn Anctil said...

Perhaps I could try a blend of both - come to think of it, I may already have engaged in dr-eaming. *sorry - couldn't resist* FYI, I'm on g-mail and I still get a fair number of spammers. Didn't know g-mail shared my information though...that's a real shame.

Banjo52 said...

Surely "rock a muumuu" will be the next big dance craze.

Marjie said...

I guess I must appear to be an honest genius, because you have no idea how many people want me to help them collect their $25 million inheritances. And, of course, I would never keep a nickel of it.

And when I'm not busy helping poor deprived souls collect their rightful fortunes, I, too, need the ED cures. Here and I thought I was kinda feminine looking...

Guess it's a good thing I'm not using any social media, or I'd be collecting much more spam, right?

Anonymous said...

You got orgies and all I got was a crummy $100 million from Nigeria.

John Evans said...

I needed some good laughs. Glad I came here.

"Release Your Inner Larry David" made it past my spam catcher.

Bellis said...

Gmail puts spam into a spam folder and learns as it goes along, because I can just push a button to tell it something is Spam - even when it's Talbots or Time magazine. They do have a robot that gets key words from our emails and matches them up with advertisers. The adverts appear in a sidebar which I never even notice (sorry, Gmail advertisers). (A friend worked out how to use this for information he wanted. To get good deals from hotels in Thailand, he sent me an email mentioning this, and got ads from hotels in Thailand in the sidebar, some with very good deals.) Also, a few times recently, I've had a big red warning bar above an email telling me on no account to open it as it contained a virus.

georgia little pea said...

For 2 blissful years, I would get a handful of spam a week. I even found some interesting and funny, Then suddenly, towards the end of last year, it became an avalanche. I had to change the settings on comments which irks me no end. Some spammers are so insidious, they even pretend to like your post before they sell you the product. Grrr.

Adele said...

"Hey sport"! Ha!!

After almost a year, I'm just arriving in spam hell, on my blog. And many of them pretend to like my posts, too. It's really just the ultimate insult, for the newish, needy blogger.

sonia a. mascaro said...

Just funny that you did an interpretation of these spam. Lol!

Karin, my current email address gets very little spam since you teach me how to did my settings comments. I will be always grateful to you for that.
These spam were all in English and very varied.

Paula said...

I have cures for bed bugs, burning fat AND meeting singles. Is someone trying to tell me something?

Trish said...

I posted on FB the other day that the metrics for my inbox seems off---deals for hang gliding (I don't do edges of anything well), Brazilian blowout (I've got short hair), threading (if I had dark hair, it might be more a concern), childcare (my kids are in their 20's and take pretty good care of themselves) and a pork-fest feed (I'm Jewish, just sayin').

But my SPAM box---I've had all sorts of offers (gmail does filter them and do a good job). I had a yahoo account years ago that quite literally, had thousands of SPAM in it every day. The BEST was "Hi, my name is Steve, I saw you in church Sunday and I want to date you.". Uh, Steve, how do I explain how wrong your email is? Oh nevermind, I assume he sent it to a bunch of women!

I'm with Bellis though, I've been laughing so hard at the thought of you in a muumuu, timing orgies. Gawd girl, at least bring a glass of wine and enjoy yourself, ok?

-K- said...

Slightly off-topic but according to the woman herself, Martha Stewart loves Spam, fried with onions.

This from last weeks's edition of "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me."

altadenahiker said...

Carolynn, I like it!
Banjo, or a poem?
Marjie and Anon, the big ticket items have totally given up on me.
Nice to see you too, John.
Bellis, sounds like gmail gets a better class of spam.
Georgia and Adele, the blogger spam is pretty amusing. It's always something to the effect of "I've been looking for wonderfully useful information on this item."
Sonia, it took us awhile, didn't it?
Paula, let's not connect the dots on that one.
Oh Trish, you've got the spam profile I've always dreamed of. Mostly, anyway.

OldLady Of The Hills said...

I hate SPAM with a passion...But, reading your post made me laugh and it was delightful! Mine seems to be fixed on all kinds of suggestive invitations...God know why, because I sure don't understand it....lol!

Petrea Burchard said...

As soon as I stated publicly that I wouldn't vote in the District 3 City Council election (who the hell for?), guess whose faces began popping up on my Facebook page?

And why is everything in my email spam box written in Cyrillic?

Ken Mac said...

I used to play in a band called, yes, Bitch Arm Chair Stuffer, and I declined orgies even when they were happening all around me. Where are they today......?

BaysideLife said...

You just made my Sat. morning a happier one. :) I'm now going to go check my spam and see what kind of profile awaits me.

Young at Heart said...

I get hardly any spam....... why? What's wrong with me??

Pasadena Adjacent said...

I have an artist friend who reads his spam at poetry slams

TheChieftess said...

Why do I keep getting Viagra spam and inviting emails from ladies of questionable repute????

I'm thinking something a bit stronger to go with that mumuu while timing orgies...maybe a little mezcal...perhaps with the worm still in it???

altadenahiker said...

The ads never question my femininity. I did get one featuring Russian Girls on Parade. Must have been some sort of patriotic event.

Susan Campisi said...

It's been a while since I checked my spam folder. Oh my. I've got an invitation to get down and dirty with Amy, Bible quotes for true believers, a business proposition from the Bank of Korea, a note from the UK lottery that I won 2 million dollars... wouldn't that be nice?!

anonymos2 said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNfY69w9vFY