Monday, December 31, 2012

The Fiscal, well, you know


It's true, I can't handle the truth; apparently I haven't handled it for years. If an annual income of $400,000 qualifies one as a member of the middle class, then what am I?

Hold your horses, that's what is known as a rhetorical question.

But accepting this new parameter of the middle class actually explains a great many things -- for example, why friends give me canned goods for Christmas. And socks, Crisco, motor oil. String. It explains why everyone else I know gets scarves and caviar and I get flashlight batteries and bottled water.

And as a result of the national debate, well, I'm suddenly questioning many things I've taken for granted. What if the average height in America is 6'2" and I'm (gulp) short? On the upside, maybe the average weight is 200 pounds. Yay! I'm skinny; you practically can't see me when I stand sideways.

Anyway, I've decided not to hang out with my middle-class pals tonight. If things go in their favor, I'll miss a great party. But if things go in the other direction, they might want to borrow my duct tape, and that was a present from a dear friend of mine.

30 comments:

  1. I could totally use that bleach. I got Ninja Bread cookie cutters; I think it's a hint for me to bake more. Be glad your friends aren't doing that to you.

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  2. I've always believed in duct tape and string, and I've always been mocked for it. Chided. Rebuked. Scorned. It's a Tinkerbell-Gatsby world we live in.

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  3. First of all, glad u pointed this out... personally, the ones stating that middle class are folks earning $400k is insulting not only to those earning $400k but also insulting to those who don't... Wth are they thinking? oops, maybe that';s the problem, THEY AREN'T.

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  4. The shape of things to come for The Middle Class once they fall over the cliff?

    Red Green Show: Duct Tape Two Cars Together

    Happy New Year, KB!

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  5. I love practical gifts. Sounds like you scored big time!

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  6. Marjie, I am.
    Banjo, But only one of them once killed a man.
    Earl, I'm sure you're killing them on Facebook right now, but I can't log on to see.
    KBF, Imagine the surprise of the $400k'rs to find out they're part of the great unwashed.
    Paula! Is that a southern thang?
    Bandit, and the paper.
    Carolynn, do you love them from afar?

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  7. Oh Paula, now you've got me hooked. Did you see this one? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&v=qYSEzTaeJes&NR=1

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  8. No Red Green is a Canadian man-wonder. His mantra is "If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."

    He also likes:

    "Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati" (pseudo-Latin for "When all else fails, play dead").

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  10. I hadn't seen that one but it's definitely a classic. The one we really love and I can't find is when he duct tapes two cars together side-by-side and then links both steering mechanisms together before driving away.

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  11. Just for you Paula. (I can't believe this guy flew under my radar. Something to do with Canada, no doubt.)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaUvZP4QXLA

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  12. That's the one, thanks so much. Nothing makes me laugh harder than something ridiculous/absurd.

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  13. I agree with Mr. Earl -- brilliant post!
    And the Red Green Show is great. Where would we be without duct tape?

    Happy New Year to you and Albert!

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  14. Ha! Thanks for starting my year off with a good laugh.

    Are you going to build a Hummer with your duct tape?

    I have to echo Ms M: Happy New Year to you and Albert!

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  15. Hi! this might be off topic, but do you know where I can get some free duct tape for my kitchen faucet? I've just discovered I'm in the lower class and I'm too frickin' poor to pay a plumber.

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  16. Since local, cottage industries are the wave of the future, I'm thinking about marketing a line of pre-owned duct tape.

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  17. I think some of you know that I have the DIY gene in my DNA so as my New Year gift to all of you, and in light of Petrea's plumbing problem which is only slightly related, I want to share one of the wonders of modern technology with you. It's called Zip-It Tool

    If you don't have one, or two, you should as it will clean a clogged drain like nothing else and doesn't your plumbing deserve a fresh start for 2013? I thought so. It's right up there with duct tape, shop vacs (which are also good for fixing clogged drains), and Dremels. Gotta have 'em.

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  18. Jeez Louise, Paula, that thing costs $2.98! What do you think I am, middle class?

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  19. Petrea, if you use the Zip-It instead of the $500.00 plumber you can remain middle class or whatever the American Dream is. I'm not susceptible to much marketing so I'm classless - on all levels - and plan on staying that way.

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  20. Too funny, Karin. Largely because it cuts way too close to the bone. Happy new year, my talented friend.

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  21. your friend has good taste in wrapping paper

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  22. OK, I'm going to Lowe's for a Zip It tool for every bathroom. You won't find me sharing mine with my sons! (And since I have more hair than anyone else in the house, they'd accuse me of hogging it anyway.) I'ma get me more duct tape and baling wire while I'm there, so I can fix anything that's worth fixing.

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  23. Ex Member of the Middle ClassJanuary 2, 2013 at 12:58 PM

    I got a can of Sterno in my Christmas stocking. Now I know why.

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  24. ooh wake up and smell the panic.....but happy new year anyways!!

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  25. YAH, I think it was more resignation than panic. Kenny Mac, you're on.

    I hesitate to admit, someone is going to recognize that wrapping paper.

    Terry, where didn't you get published this year? Congratulations, and more of the same for 2013.

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  26. I laugh so much with Red Green video, Paula! And also with Shoe Tires, Karin!

    Happy New Year!!!

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