Thursday, July 12, 2012

Appetites

I’ve written before about a cheese, a particular cheese, its addictive properties, and the angry Italian dwarf who guards this cheese and will only sell it at his leisure.

The angry Italian grocer has very specific targets for his wrath -- just me and a couple of other innocents. For example, recently he waved his knife and yelled at a mortified young woman when she didn't ring in with the right answer on, "I aska you, Provolone, you wanna strong, medium, or mild!"

"For god's sake," I hissed at her. "Tell him strong, quick, before it's too late."

He hated me from the very first; that would be about 5,000 days ago. He took such an instant dislike to me, it was almost primal. In fact, in retrospect, I guess, kind of flattering.

But back to the cheese, this one cheese he sells. It’s crack cheese. He can keep all the other stuff in his store -- the wilted lettuce, curdling olive oil, and highly suspect Napoli Pickle Surprise. But the cheese, for the cheese, I'll endure almost any humiliation.

“I gotta fifteen sandwiches to make, so you gotta wait,” for example.

I used to stalk out of the store, here, at this point in the script. But I knew I'd be back; he knew I'd be back; I knew that he knew, etc. So why be coy?

But now there’s a new wrinkle.

Lately it appears, I’ve developed an allergy to this cheese. Hours after eating it, my face breaks out and my eyes get red and puffy, and I sneeze uncontrollably. At first I placed the blame on a long hike or too much sun. But after some clinical trials, I determined these were, undeniably, cheese-related symptoms.

Which makes my cheese orgy, practiced in the privacy of my own home, a little disturbing. But what are you gonna do?

I can stop any time, of course, but at this stage I classify the symptoms as uncomfortable, mild to medium, but not dangerous. Of course, if I start gasping for air or passing out, then we'll have to see about cutting back a little. Probably. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

38 comments:

  1. I say you pop some benedryl and enjoy your cheese fest. The free nap afterwards will be so deliciously satisfying.

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  2. A Benydryl chaser and cheese!...can't beat that! lol

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  3. MuseBootsi has a point.

    And I'm thinking, since so far I haven't made him angry, I would be happy to buy your cheese for you. Would that make me a pusher?

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  4. Maybe he's cursed it? The Romans were good at curses, the Sicilians even better. He never liked me but now he's OK, and recently even got out from behind the counter to recommend a really good Chianti that he'd gotten for a bargain price. How could I resist? It was FANTASTIC! By the way, what's the name of the cheese? I only buy prosciutto there, and that amazing olive oil bread only available at weekends.

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  5. What cheese are you addicted to? The strong provolone? Or something else? Where is this place? I've got to go in there just to experience his ire. How do you say "Epi Pen" in Italian?

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  6. Oh dear. That doesn't sound very good - the symptoms, I mean, not the cheese. I have a similar addiction to a smokey cheddar produced locally and have been known to drive an hour out of my way to get it.

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  7. Was the first one free?

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  8. That must be an amazing cheese to willingly submit to an obnoxious cheese-monger and a rash!

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  9. Oooof, an allergy to cheese? That is painful, indeed.

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  10. He's like the Soup Nazi, only with cheese? Where do I go to have this experience? I vote for the Cheese/Benadryl combo. Good cheese followed by a nice nap. Sounds divine.

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  11. Such an extraordinary story! But cheese that good is worth the hassle and the rash (altho I'd heed MuseBootsi's advice and have some Benedryl around).

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  12. There's a croissant baker on Fourth sStreet in Manhattan with a similar attitude, and really good croissants. There are signs all over the bakery with rules. Break a rule, you are told to leave.

    Your cheese guy sounds like a relative softy. must be the climate.

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  13. I'd take up Petrea's offer to buy the stash for you and see if it gives you the same reaction. Maybe you've simply developed an allergic to the cranky-pants vibes he envelopes your cheese in when he wraps it.

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  14. Things are looking up. You might not have to be humiliated much longer. hahaha

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  15. OK, my theory: This is a stress reaction. Buying the cheese is stressful. When you eat it, your body associates that with buying it and it reacts to that stress.

    In my world, everything can be explained somehow by stress.

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  16. Did you have to run out and get the crack cheese after reading The Goddess Lounge menu over at Desiree's? I could come check on you after each indulgence, just to make sure you're still breathing.

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  17. Cheese PTSD. Try therapy. It would be Gouda for you.

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  18. All is not lost. Have you tried vegan cheese? It's amazing what they can do with beans.

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  19. MB, as a fellow Norwegian, you understand that cheese is everything.

    KBF, cute.

    PB, I think that would make you a mule.

    Bellis, oh, he's Sicilian all right. I'll give you the name of the cheese if you give me the name of the Chianti.

    Earl, I can't risk exposure. He might cut me off.

    Carolynn, if only all it took was a drive.

    Katie, Christina, yup and yup.

    Ms M and Adele, two more votes for Benadryl.

    Jean,you grow them tougher in Texas.

    Birdman, always glass half full.

    Shell and Janet, I can only hope it's psychological.

    Pierre, if you can't beat 'em, edam.

    PA: yuck.

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  20. I'm not going to carry it in an odd orifice, if that's what you mean.

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  21. Take Benadryl. That's what my dearly beloved did when he developed an allergy to garlic (which went away after he started taking blood pressure medication; maybe this guy is causing your problems?). How can you give up the crack of cheese, anyway? It seems inhumane to expect you to do so!

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  22. Have an allergy to cheese is bad indeed! As I love all kind of cheese, I am sorry for you...

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  23. I'm in the benedryl (taken with a glass of wine) and cheese camp. So what's wrong with a little afternoon benedryl-wine-cheese coma?

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  24. That may be the cheesiest story you've posted, but a good one. I immediately thought of the soup nazi. The stress thing may be right. Let Petrea buy it for you, but be sure which orifice she carried it in.

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  25. No I don't. I shouldn't have said that.

    I think the stuff is too salty, but Karin loves it, so she shall have it.

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  26. Terri, Benadryl-wine-cheese coma conjures quite a picture. Judging from all the Benadryl fans, I'm considering a major stock purchase over at Johnson and Johnson.

    DB, tempting as Petrea's offer may be, I think I'll take my chances.

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  27. A little Zyrtec works wonders...

    Welcome to the wonders of the aging process...human, not cheese!!! (I should give up dairy again...did it once, but darn it! I like cheese too!!!)

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  28. Cheese Nazi huh? Well we'll just see about that Missy. The next time I"m out there, we'll march right in, accompanied by various bloggers and have our way with Mr. Cheese!
    V

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  29. Sorry, V. You go ahead, but I won't risk losing out on that buttery mozarella.

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  30. Benadryl?!!! Only if you want to sleep forever or raise your blood pressure!!!

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  31. Have you checked out the cheese store on Lake? It's right behind The Williams Sonoma. Some very tasty things.

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  32. I suppose it will still be worth eating it, until you actually go blind!

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  33. this post is whetting my appettite 4 cheeze of all things! i think i may go eat some of it on your behalf. maybe i'll write about the experience 1 day. with pics of the cheeze course, unlike this post.

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  34. I want to see the match-up between Virg and grocer. I know where I'll place my bet.

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