Saturday, June 4, 2011

We get mail

Dear Sir/Madam,

L am 24 years old girl and single, it may interest you to know that L am a girl of PEACE and L don't want problem, how is your family, hope fine?

[The family’s ok, thanks for asking. Uncle Chester still has the farts. I don’t have to tell you, the man is a slave to his Boston Baked Beans. Oi. Gramma Iris’s varicose veins are now so big we could rope a cow with them (possible income opportunity?), and under separate cover, I’ll share what we’ve learned about Billy’s gingivitis.]

My name is Princess Kabbah daughter of the late Osman Kabbah former director-general of the government of gold and diamond office [GDDO]. Unfortunately, my father was attacked by rebels of the Revolutionary United Front (RUF) in Kono, Eastern Sierra Leone.

[Don’t you hate when that happens?]

He survived the bullet wounds and was hospitalised at the Connaught Hospital in Freetown where he later died of internal bleeding.

[Bummer.]

But before he died he revealed to my late mother and me, he had deposited $10.5m in BANK OF AFRICA(BOA).

[$10.5 m? I always liked Osman Kabbah, ask anyone. He had nice eyes.]

Being the only one left, l have decided to transfer the fund out of Burkina Faso to a trust worthy beneficiary who will assit me to invest the money and see me through my education.

[Let's talk; I've started a Charter school and know spellcheck. We can begin with the word "I." "I" is not spelled L. Oddly enough, "I" is spelled I.]

L need your help to invest this family inheritance into a profitable investment in your country.

[Four words: Grammy Iris, veins, cows.]

l have decided to part away %40 as your commission. I demand an urgent responds. Due to my present condition now in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso which is a terrible ordeal.

[Yeah, well, we’ve all got problems, Princess. Not to keep bringing up Uncle Chester, and Uncle Chester when you stand downwind of the Santa Anas.]

Please confirm your interest, l will send you my pictures!

[Sorry, even Norton Security, a most enlightened and free-spirited service, seems to have problems with those.]

May God bless you,and hope to be your friend.

Yours faithful,

29 comments:

  1. Heh heh! See what happens when you wave your Bananometer around, KB.

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  2. Have you ever heard the "This American Life" episode called scamming the scammers? Apparently there is a whole network of people who screw around with these kinds of spammers - just for the fun of it!

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  3. Send Princess Kabbah to my accountant Helen Whaite. But I'd happily chip in to buy a big ole box of gas-x for Uncle Chester. I guess he sits in his own pew at church! (Sorry I couldn't help myself; that's an oldie but a goodie.)

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  4. Grandmother's condition was a little to visual for me but I am happy to see your on such good terms with the Altaa-gerians and Alta-Leones. Family looks out for one another

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  5. This is hilarious! Too early for wine spills, but there's lots of tea on the laptop.

    When you get some of this money, can you share your riches with me, Karin? I have a hungry rabbit.

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  6. Still laughing. What DID you learn about Billy's gingivitis?

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  7. The family is good! L will work on my grammer in hopes that you will seriously comply with my outwardly demands.

    Sincerely,
    Princess

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  8. I might be swayed if she dangles an introduction to Kate and William. Should I ask?

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  9. Poor thing...L'm glad her highnest is 350 km away from the latestes trouble in BF...
    Sun Jun 5,2011
    OUAGADOUGOU (Reuters) - Seven people were killed and 33 injured when government troops crushed a mutiny in a military camp in Bobo Dioulasso, 350 km from the Burkina Faso capital, officials said on Saturday.

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  10. L don't think Albert would mind sharing his Beano with Uncle Chester.

    L want to enroll in your charter school.

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  11. I'm glad you're there to pick up the mail, KB.

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  12. Lilly Dillon: You're working some angle, and don't tell me you're not because I wrote the book!

    Roy Dillon: What about you? You still handling playback money for the mob?

    Lilly Dillon: THAT's me. That's who I am. You were never cut out for the rackets, Roy.

    Roy Dillon: How come?

    Lilly Dillon: You aren't tough enough.

    Roy Dillon: Not as tough as you, huh?

    Lilly Dillon: Get off the grift, Roy.

    Roy Dillon: Why?

    Lilly Dillon: You haven't got the stomach for it.

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  13. Just because she's a thief and a hitter doesn't mean she's not a good woman in all the other departments.

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  14. I never can guess where these comments will lead...

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  15. I'm just kind of worried about Uncle Chester. Hope all is well!

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  16. i say we go in on this together...

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  17. Ah, now L understand your comment on yesterday's PDP. Hilarious! This is definitely material for the New Yorker.

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  18. hahahahahaha Right back at 'em!

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  19. Why KarL.n, what wL.LL L. do to help you wL.th all that money? We could go to L.n 'n Out and buy Albert a burger or an mL.lk shake (vanL.lla, perhaps?) or even to Kentucky FrL.ed ChL.cken for wL.ngs? ML.llL.ons and ML.llL.ons of bucks to spend L.n whatever way we wL.sh!

    wv: cookts...yeah, them books is cookts!

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  20. TheChief and I have both, upon occasion, written back...

    I'm not worried about Uncle Chester though...with all that money in the family he can just order another stomach!!!

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  21. L'm impressed; L don't get mail from royalty.

    GG

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  22. Bush's original. Nothing else.

    I assume the email is "for real." Wow. How did she choose you out of seven billion people? Lucky you. 40%. Wow. And don't be so uptight about spelling! What are you, an English teacher? This is a moral thing!

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  23. Sod morality! I'll take %30!

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  24. Before anyone makes plans, likely "she" is a Nigerian man.

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  25. I know we can work a Weiner into this somehow. Give me time.

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  26. That must be why he spells "I" with an "L"...

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  27. I read today that Weiner was introduced to his wife by Bill Clinton and Bill performed the marriage ceremony. Somehow Bill Clinton performing your marriage ceremony doesn't strike me as a good idea.

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  28. Uncle Chester apparently didn't graduate for the University of Gas. http://www.beanogas.com/UofGas.aspx

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  29. Uncle Chester apparently didn't graduate for the University of Gas. http://www.beanogas.com/UofGas.aspx

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