Thursday, November 18, 2010

On the market

You've written your resume. You poured a lot of effort into the page that will represent you, and you can't wait to distribute it far and wide.

Not so fast. Before you send that puppy out, check it for buzzwords, like "team player," or "detail-oriented." Or "accustomed to fast-paced environments. … Others include: Go-to person, exceptional organizational skills, People-person … Karen Burns, US News


To Whom It May Concern:

I have spent 20+ years in the workforce, and don’t worry, I’m not a team player. I don’t like people; I don’t even like my mother. And I’m not a player. I have no time to play; life is pretty intense right now. Gilligan might get off the island. And then there’s Mad Men. I swear, if it’s not one thing, it’s another.

If I hate playing, I hate details more. “Give or take a thousand whatevers,” that’s my motto, as is: “I’ll take close if you keep the cigar.”

I’m not accustomed to a fast-paced environment. Nothing makes me roll off the couch faster than a fast-paced environment. (Before we go any further, perhaps I should ask about some of your on-site facilities. For example, what is your position on leather vs naugahide?)

I never
•accomplish
achieve
conduct
create
implement
organize
perform

Let me tell you what I do: I show up. Usually. Let’s say, not to get too legal about this: sooner or later. Sooner, if you’re throwing a potluck.

A few other areas where I can set your mind at rest:

I’m not a Go-to person. I’m a Got-a-dental-appointment kind of person
Nor am I a people-person. I’m a llama-person.

As to Self-starter. I tried to start myself once, and it made a lot of racket. Perhaps lubrication was an issue. I was asked to shut down the whole experiment immediately. And I did (See performance appraisal, 1998)

I’m not perfect. I do have:
• Excellent communication skills. Don’t make me blush. I invented “Who me,” “Are you kidding,” and “He did it.”

• Exceptional organizational skills. This is true. The way I organize things is nothing short of exceptional. It’s called a box, and everything goes inside. No, I don’t think inside the box, I can’t get inside the box; there’s too much paper.

Hoping you are in good health and spirits, I am available – well, hours vary, but keep trying –

Karin

54 comments:

  1. Thank you for your interest in the position, Karin, but I'm sorry. It's already been filled.

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  2. I'd hire you. But then, I don't have an office or any work for you. But that should suit?

    Trulyfool

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  3. We may have something for you in the spring.......NOT!

    Very funny Karin!

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  4. Is synthetic tweed a deal breaker?

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  5. A beautifully written post & job application, KB.

    You demonstrated here promise as a cover letter editor or writer, which is the position I assumed you applied for.

    From this I could tell you're accomplished, skillful, agreeable, a good listener & follower of directios..well, you've heard it all before!!

    So KB, lemme just cut it short to say your post & job application had evident-merit. Congratulations!

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  6. Sweetie:

    It seems we may have a position for you. Could you send along some photos of yourself?

    Donnie, Vice President for Recruiting

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  7. "I’m a Got-a-dental-appointment kind of person"

    Ha! You described many people in my office (excluding me, of course).

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  8. Tee, hee, hee!!! Wish more people were that honest when applying for a job!!!

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  9. Heh heh, I needed that, KB. Big smile.

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  10. This is classic AH. I'm laughing--out loud and hard.

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  11. Ah, thank you for this! I'm just about to write my tenth cover letter in two months, and this is just about right. Add in a paragraph about enthusiasm for staff parties with alcohol and large quantities of store-bought cake, and I'd send this letter off.

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  12. Can you please turn your IPod down? We can hear it over here... You can't work without your IPod on loudly? Isn't that why they come with earbuds? Buds for ears, dear...

    You'll fit right in.

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  13. Llama person. Heh.

    This is tasty prose, Ms. Smart Aleck.

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  14. Now THAT's a resume! I'd love to send that out and see what kind of response I got. Actually, I was under the impression that companies are more interested in authenticity than skill sets these days. It would be interesting to test market it. ....of course, I'd use an assumed name. Karin, perhaps.

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  15. It strikes me that we could do a great resume blog-in, after our holiday newsletters.

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  16. Alcoholic office parties -- I knew I was forgetting something. And stealing office supplies. Now I'm kicking myself.

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  17. I'd definitely ask you for an interview to see who could write such a letter (and make me laugh). Now everyone's getting advice on what to say, I don't believe a word of what they write.

    I used to get 100s of applications for a simple office job, so to whittle them down, I trashed any that said "detail-oriented" and had typos. (So please, dear jobseeker, get someone else to check it over before sending it off).

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  18. Stealing office supplies: I was at spring training in 1987 in Scottsdale. It was sort of an unwritten rule that you could keep a baseball if it was well off the field, but you couldn't go on the field to get them. I was chatting with a man I'd met, actually the retired police chief of Sonoma (what is it with police chiefs?), and a ball was hit near us, but not far off the field. My friend picked it up as Giants' pitcher Scott Garrelts ran over to retrieve it. "You can't have that ball," said Scott. "Sure I can," said the chief. Then Garrelts said, "I don't come to your work and steal stuff!" "It's not the same thing," said the chief. "Yes it is!" said Garrelts.

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  19. oh I needed this one today Karin! ha ha ha.....(my blog? The new Ken is all about up with people, taking the long shot up close...and they never even know it! )

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  20. Ahahaha!

    I just signed an email, "Best."

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  21. Another funny. Thanks.
    That resume should be printed on light green paper with pink polka dots.

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  22. Thanks for the link. Wow.
    Feel free to sent the sketch.

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  23. Let me look at this again. For now, very, very funny.

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  24. One of the early indicators that we would get along was when I read a comment somewhere that you had placed questioning another bloggers use of the term "thinking outside the box". If I recall you said (to paraphrase) "it has been my experience that people who use the term thinking outside the box, seldom do"

    my kind of gal ; )

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  25. No doubt your paraphrasing improved it, PA.

    Professor, don't look too closely. I was writing myself out of a funk and posted before I polished.

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  26. I really hate the new buzz words. And, no, all those apprentice idiots won't be working with Donald Trump; they might work FOR him.

    If only everyone's resume were this honest.

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  27. Hi K,

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SE4zuXEEXE

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6byCRnOXf4

    D.

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  28. Well at my last job interview- about a month ago, I sat and looked the store mgr. square in the eye and told her I'd thought about it and I was too old to learn it all. Way too old. Now get this, she talked me out of it. The jury's still out, but I"m hanging on by my trimmed nails (to enable using that spiffy phone everyone else has.) I play well with others is my ace in the hole, and oh yeah, I love, love the customers. As of today, most are very patient avec moi! As the holidays ratchet up , they may throw me under the bus.

    V

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  29. Oh and I forgot to add this was one of my favorites pieces. Goes in the pile with every other post you've ever done.
    V

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  30. Hah! Got a kick out of that. You're hired!

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  31. Once on an interview I actually was asked if I 'play nice in the sandbox.' Seriously. I must have convinced him that I could keep my shovel under control. I got the job!

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  32. Bayside, if someone asked me that in an interview I'd ask if they have showers in the building for after recess.

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  33. Virg, I have mucho mac questions for you, because I'm so ready to switch and it's great to know an expert.

    so bellis, was it detale-oriented?

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  34. Make the switch Hiker!!! As a creative person, you'll love the Mac!!! I have absolutely no regrets!!! Especially when I hear the Hubman swearing when his cursor gets stuck and he has to restart his...about 3-4 times a day!!! (His is a Dell...my computer before my Mac...and quite frankly, I never liked that one either!!!)

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  35. Make the switch, Hiker. In the year since I've had my Mac: no blue screen, no shut-downs, no frozen browser, no lost work. All those things used to happen to me every day with my Windows PC no matter how much I spent on virus protection.

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  36. It looks like the best thing to do is to prepare for the next winter season (2011/2012).

    Make a lot of firewood and stay happy (and warm).

    Don’t mind about Mac or windows, it’s all about skill or taste (and maybe costs/expenses).

    I think V and P can advice you.

    D.

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  37. ohmigawd--so that's YOU upstairs!

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  38. Who me? Are you kidding?

    (Yes, thanks Biting M. It was a very temporary setback.)

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  39. I gotta make a Mac switch so I can actually edit video. You'd think PCs would have SOMETHING approaching professional video editing at this point.

    They're not thinking out of the box.

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  40. (Mac questions? Call me Genius Bar... ) - I saw that sketch you posted me the link. It's surprising because it seems to come out from that photo. You have a good eye and, overall, a good memory !

    P.S. I love so much thit job application :-)

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  41. Ciao, Fabrizio! The genius Italian photographer.

    If anyone else is reading the comments, these are the links to which we're referring:

    Fabrizio's photo
    http://torinodailyphoto.blogspot.com/2008/10/and-life-goes-on.html

    Pierre's sketch

    http://pmlapl.blogspot.com/2010/10/old-friends.html

    I just love the synchronicity.

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  42. After my last PC crash, I got an iMac. That was a year and a half ago. I haven't had any problems, crashes, viruses, nothing... and it's easy to use.

    Good songs, D.

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  43. One more Mac fan here. After a couple weeks of adjustment, you'll never regret it.

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  44. I hate my PC. I want a Mac. About a year ago Msdubya bought a Mac and gave me her slightly used Dell PC to replace my older Gateway PC which never gave me any real problems. I now hate my PC. It's possessed. From the day I've had it, a problem occurs several times a day where I can't access internet links. The only solution is to shut down AOL and log back on. Not as often, but more annoying, the keyboard locks up. I have to shut off the computer by the switch on the tower and reboot it which wastes a lot of time. Now, the printer won't work, or the software to send it there is also possessed. So, I have a computer that won't compute and a printer that won't print, while the ms. works happily all day on her Mac with nary a problem.

    I hate my PC almost as much as I hate my HTC smart (dumb) phone with Alltel service.

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  45. Tee, hee, hee...what'd I tell ya???

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  46. Take my "expert" advice and buy one. Email for other advice.

    V

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  47. Sounds like you are destined for Congress.

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  48. That a rather large pre-christmas hint to the Chieftess if I ever saw one.

    Macs rule. I'm on my 5th

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