Monday, June 28, 2010

Local Heroes



Once again, I’ve been cheated out of the Altadena Golden Poppy Beautification award. I hold no Golden Trowel. And this is after I’ve done everything, everything the committee requires. My garden is awash in fountain grasses and artfully placed hardscape; it’s a haven to insects and other tender woodland creatures; I've been handmaiden to the weeds we call California Natives.

And oh, on Sundays, I don my white eyelet sundress, open my gardens, serve organic lemonade and herbs to passersby, often trilling along with Sarah Brightman, and every bit as loudly.

Golden Poppy people, I’m not bitter, only curious; give it to me straight: Just who the hell do I have to sleep with?

Yes, yes, you say, it’s you, not me. But of course it’s me; what on earth isn’t me?

What put you off? What, because I snuck in a few tropicals? Well pardon my Algerian ivy and Kudzu. Or was it the dry rot? I’m planning on painting over that, you know.

Eventually I’ll get tired of trying to kiss your shovel; maybe after a shot or two I’ll tell you to take your golden trowel and stick it in a shady spot. There are lots of golden gardens around these parts, and there’s no law says I can’t hand out my own awards (so long as I mind my letterhead and keep our senator’s name out of it.)

I won’t do anything behind your back, but let this be fair warning. I’ve been toying with a few ideas, a few contenders, and will post them next. The Golden Trowel may be in your corner (well, of course, you've got the budget for that), but let's see how it stacks up against the cheap hoe.

24 comments:

  1. CHEAP HOE!!!!
    I rest my case. I can't even go on from there cause I'm rolling on the floor. You are my kinda gal KB. Shove that trowel where the sun don't shine and don't look back.
    V

    PS No offense but I'm glad we've moved on from tennis.

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  2. let's all pitch in. That's the American way!

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  3. Just wondering....do you wear the white gloves with the eyelet dress ;)??

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  4. pick me! pick me! I'm a cheap hoe.

    Just got my second notice in the mail from the LA County Fire department. Seems they don't care that I've gone "native"

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  5. This photo is just honorable mention, and I think the credit belongs to Coldwell or BofA. The winner will be far more impressive. Sorry PA, you're not even in the running.

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  6. Trim that down and we can play a little lawn tennis!

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  7. "Cheap hoe" ~ waaaaahahaha!! Who needs a Golden Trowel when you can lay it on so beautifully all on your own, KB. {FYI, if I ever move to Altadena, I'll boycott that award in sympathy.}

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  8. If only I lived in Altadena, I'd enter the contest! I grow plenty of weed--er, California Natives.

    But I may not qualify: I can't bring myself to listen to Sarah Brightman, though my golden trowel is perpetually in a shady spot.

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  9. You go, girl! Can't wait to see the line-up of contestants. Although, if you're the one giving out the prizes, I guess you won't be in the running for this one either. Huh. That sucks.

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  10. I meant to say I grow weeds. Not "weed." That sounds so wrong.

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  11. I will be submitting my garden for your consideration.

    JJ

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  12. ROTFLMAO...hoe...sigh.

    then Petrea's weed comment...still ROTF! that IS a native CA thing P! well, if not originally, it is now!

    I'm thinking, along the lines of Mr Earl...a little Brazilian and we'd be good to go for some lawn tennis!

    and Virginia, if that trowel is shoved someplace like that, I'm sure wearing that eyelet dress and white gloves, KB might not look so demure and lovely showing off her wonderful garden! or at least, not without an interesting expression on her face!

    and to combine Petrea's comment with a few others...high hoe, high hoe, high hoe...

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  13. I have to admit that it's hard to know what Californians are reefer-ing to exactly when they talk about "California Natives". But it's the image of the white eyelet dress that's hard to resist, especially when it's worn with a baseball cap and a skinned knee. :~)

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  14. And bobby socks?

    Can't wait to see your contestants. Whether gardened with a cheap hoe or just for the weed, it will be entertaining!

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  15. Oh gosh, that picture is tempting.

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  16. Don't feel bad. It's all about connections. You're just too good to kiss all those polico asses, I'm sure.

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  17. All this abbreviations .. don’t you have a lawn mower in socal.

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  18. ROFLOL! Cheap hoe? That one mowed me over.....

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  19. My poppies are splendid when I wear my neon pumpkin eyelet sundress. White eyelets can be pasty, you know.

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  20. I'm definitely not a hoe, but I am a rake ...

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  21. Congratulations, you've just won the Golden Pun award.

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  22. Kelly, that's calling spade a spade.

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  23. So much could be said about the evolution of the language and changing notions of correctness. In 1980, "ho" was not an acceptable word; now, largely thanks to rap, it is. When I first heard the garden implements joke in the early sixties, it definitely was not acceptable.

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