Monday, March 1, 2010

Take it easy lady

Sometimes I face the blank screen and think maybe I’ve given one too many shakes to the spice jar. Nothing left in the noggin but a whiff of expired powder that can only be excavated with a magnifying glass and dental pic.

And I weep.

Then I think, screw it, let me bore you bitches one more time. (We agreed at a party recently that “bitches” is now unisex, and a perfectly acceptable substitute for “guys” and a more than acceptable substitute for – blech -- gals.)

Speaking of which …

When someone refers to me as lady, as in “This lady is asking for help with furnace filters on aisle 2,” I feel like Ethyl Barrymore, pulling her stole tight around her neck until the fox heads bobble, waving her cane, hairpins flying off her steely gray bun as she stamps her sensibly-shod foot.

“See here, I’m Mrs. Montague-St. John-Smythe, and I want to see your best filter!”

Customer, okay. Woman, fine. But lady? That chaps my woolen underwear.

I’m cranky. That’s what happens when we don’t get enough sun around here. Cranky enough to admit to lots of stuff festering in that spice jar – Like, how much I hate California native plants. There, I’ve said it, and there’s no going back.

Just because you tuck a few redwood chips around those wizened stems doesn’t mean they still aren’t a bunch of weeds. I guarantee that everyone who landscapes with California natives carries a sanctimonious canvas tote into Trader Joes and stuffs it with soymilk and raw almonds before firing up the Prius and plowing into the nearest retaining wall.

And you know what else gives me a run in my blue stockings? Now everyone’s talking about Obama’s medical exam, how the doctors say he should stop smoking and drinking. What, you want to be led by some nicotine-deprived maniac who needs a belt or two? I want my president to have every comfort at his disposal as he considers the future of the western world.

What else, what else. I’m fearless. I’m rolling up my tweed sleeves and pouring a sherry. I’m not afraid to tell anyone anything right now, so long as it’s not to their face.


  1. Well move over Sistah, I'm cranky as hell tonight myself. We're on the same page so to speak. I feel like kicking some serious butt and taking names.

    We all need to fess up now and then and quit "making nice " as we down here. Thanks for permission to lay it out there. Tomorrow is another day.

    Where the hell is Rhett Butler when I need him? Maybe that's why I'm so damn cranky........

  2. I'm bringing a bouquet of yarrows to your house in my Prius, so look out.


  3. I'm glad to hear SOMEBODY finally pick on California plants. They had it coming for a long time.

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  6. ...led by some nicotine-deprived maniac who needs a belt or two?

    God knows we went through 8 years of that, lady! I mean ma'am. Miss?

    I tend to prefer your royal highness of fabulosity.

  7. Right now I'm VERY cranky because every time I try to post a comment it repeats it, and now I've deleted all of them.

    I just wanted to say that it's the lack of sun and too much rain that makes the Brits so much more cranky and outspoken than the Californians.

  8. I say we should plant whatever the green parrotts like! I don't really get this whole "native plant" thing. Maybe the next thing is we need to go back to "native people." Get me my ticket back to the Ukraine. Or make that Babylon via the Ukraine.

  9. I just read the paragraph about the CA natives aloud to the person next to me - you're cracking me up.

  10. "I guarantee that everyone who landscapes with California natives carries a sanctimonious canvas tote into Trader Joes and stuffs it with soymilk and raw almonds before firing up the Prius and plowing into the nearest retaining wall."

    You are my hero. :)

  11. Lady, random Lady, you are one funny crank.

    Had a colleague once who said all humor is rooted in pain and anger. I think I've heard similar stuff elsewhere. And this post is one of your very funniest.

    However, Lady-Wimmin, you pushed a red button. Michigan is the third grayest state in the union, after Alaska and Washington. So perhaps you can think of something creative to do with your woes about California gray.

  12. Sister Woman and I think it's all relative, Banjo. Hmmm, I better pray for sunshine before I say something I'll regret.

  13. Here, have some bubbly, dear, you'll feel better.

    "Dahling, champagne?? You're MAD!"

  14. I resemble that remark about the Prius hitting the wall and have the dented fender and spilled soy milk to prove it.

  15. Go ahead and say something you'll regret. I do everyday.

    Mr. E, Babylon? Really.

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  17. I was cranky last night too. I came close to ripping The Pirate a new one and then, much to my surprise, walked away before things got ugly.

    Maybe they put something in our water...I'm blaming it on hormones and lack of sleep.

    This was another excellent post. Love your wit & wisdom. Given the choice, I'd take Lady over Ma'am.

  18. I also blame my crankiness on the weather. I talked about photo blogging to a photography club last night and I could not shut up, there just weren't any brakes. I think I was daring someone to try and stop me. It must be SADS or SARS or something.
    And now all I can think about now is Jerry Lewis yelling, "Heeeeey Laaady!" Strangely, it's actually making me fell better and usually he doesn't.

  19. Plowing the Prius into the nearest retaining wall.

    GIRL, didn’t I tell you to be careful!

    I didn’t even know you had gone into that hybrid business....I’m not sure that would work out in my climate.

  20. Lets retire the term bitch all together. After netflicking all 6 available seasons of Project Runway, I'm a little tired of the term bitch (add fierce too). Now "bad mommy" I like.

    "bad mommy" on aisle two

    yes ma'am, be right with you

    am a native
    love the natives
    makes enemies easily
    plastic please

  21. Dirk, you sound strangely familiar, dahling.
    Susan, now I know what to get for your birthday.
    Virg, but this is the only place you say it.
    Paula, I thought about that too.
    Carolynn, are we getting our water from Canada now?
    PA, never having watched that show, I'm not at all tired of bitches.
    Prairie, maybe I'm the one who should making furniture.

  22. HaHa! Miss J admits to LOVING many CA native plants, and smugly landscaping with them. But she doesn't own a Prius... she couldn't qualify for the Toyota's financing. How's THAT for a blessing???

  23. There are those who would have us rip out all the non-native plants in town. I don't know what they drive but I'd venture to say it's not hybrids--too small for their sanctimonious arses.

    I'm with Carolynn on Lady vs. Ma'am. I received my first Ma'am on my 40th birthday (or was it my 30th?) and it broke my heart.

    You could call me mingsta--my WV.

  24. Hormones??? Well that's one thing I can't blame it on. Haven't seen one of those in a month of Sundays. A decade is probably more accurate

    PJ, well I'm crying over that one. Sometimes I have what I call an "out of body experience" where my mouth is driving the train and I'm up somewhere looking down thinking, 'Somebody shut that bitch up! " but as you said, no one can really. It's hopeless.

    Now KB for you, I offer this. I'm over myself now and am, after a few glasses of wine, back to my old Pollyanna self. Giggle! But tomorrow's another day. :)

  25. What's not to like about pretty pink ice plant and shady eucalyptus trees and California roses? Oh, not those natives.

    I love it when you call me names (the only good line in the Joan Armatrading song) funny, funny you.

  26. X-Prez Clinton wood whore heartedly agree with you, KB, on wanting your President to have every comfort at his disposal as he considers the future of the western world!

  27. Guffaw!! And I'm glad I'm up to speed on the whole 'bitches' thing now, KB. Such a well-rounded education I receive when I visit you.

  28. A song for you!

  29. You're cute when you're cranky, Karin. Someone once said that the term lady should only be used when referring to royalty or when it's attached to the word sales. I think even the latter is no longer cool.

    On an only slightly related note [but hey, you went fairly eclectic with this post], another someone once said that the term world class should only be used for athletes and a-holes.


  31. He probably said lady 'cause he didn't want to say "hot babe", which some bitches find offensive.

    And, uh, watch your mouth there, uh, lady, for you might be in violation of law. I'm sure you'll be following that development with bated breath.

    Smokin' and drinkin'? Whatever curbs your conscience...

  32. With all the alternatives, this bitch prefers LADY and don't you forget it.

  33. I never realized how much lady bugs me, too. The Ethyl Barrymore association is hilarious.

    This post is just one more reason why I adore you.

    WV pinefuch. ONe of those freakin' natives, no doubt.

  34. Pinefuch? Now THAT'S some kind a wood!