Friday, March 19, 2010

He ain't heavy, he's my blubber


Prosperity isn’t beating a path to my door; he’s crouching playfully around the corner. Boo! Oh, silly, silly prosperity.

I have a plan to tease him out; gather a few duckets for my online content. Following a popular new business model, I will no longer have a blog per se, I’ll have a club, no – a blub. A very cool blub, where even if you can afford the fee, maybe you're just not hip enough to be a blubber.

Well, why not; the concept worked for American Express. Members felt privileged to pay $100 a year to impress the discerning busboy or reservation clerk. Stuck with MasterCard, who knew what might happen -- perhaps the waitress wouldn’t even take your money. Or worse, she might hold your card between thumb and forefinger, extending the arm while walking it to the cashier. Ah, the 90’s; money so plentiful you couldn’t give it away. Is that an American Express in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me.

The membership concept has always worked for National Geographic, which takes things a step further and only promises a nomination. Not everyone makes the final cut, you know. Worked on me as a 12 year old. Gosh, I wondered -- who put my name before the committee? Did Sir Edmund Hillary vote? And am I like the youngest ever?

What really drives new membership is the quality and exclusivity of the current membership. That’s where you come in.

You're already enrolled in my blub, so no worries. But that also means you’re going to have to start putting out. A book of poetry or photos, yeah, ok, fine. A lecture -- Oh great. Yawn, people, yawwwwwn!

I’ve got one word for you – Scientology. Read the chapter on recruitment techniques. Start dressing like you mean it.

What do you get out of it? A membership card. The Phoebe and Albert newsletter (A big maybe on that one). Exclusive content and information on my latest appearances – like the next time I plan to shop at Ralph’s.

But you’re going to have to put out again shortly – membership has its expiration date.

28 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness - I've blurbed by a blub!

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  2. Do we have a password? A secret handshake? A decoder?

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  3. I'm so useless. I've nothing to offer. I'm afraid I'll be on the outside looking in. Always a bludsmaid never a blud member.

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  4. So when I saw you at Super King yesterday ... that wasn't a chance encounter, it was a MEMBER BENEFIT! Do we get our own exclusive lounge?

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  5. That shopping cart accident was just a taste, Sage.

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  6. I'm in for the newsletter!

    As for lecturing...I don't think the readership cares for my views.

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  7. P.S.

    Hope the picnic is a blast.

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  8. Can I get a laminated gold card that comes with a lanyard that goes around my neck and tells the world "I am a lifetime sponsor"?

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  9. I don't remember the circumstances, it was a long, long time ago, but I think I was kicked out of the National Geographic Society.

    No, it didn't have anything to do with naked pygmies! Those are just malicious rumours.

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  10. Bumper stickers......do we get 'em???

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  11. Surely it will be an exclusive Greek uniternity? Sigma Felta Delta?

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  12. Will I get discounts if I show my membership card at the market or the movies???

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  13. Lookamee! I'm a member! See? This is my point, my TOTAL point. You've gotta network with the right people. First it was MySpace, then Facebook, then Twitter. Well, now it's BLUBBER and I am a card-carrying member.

    If I'd been home this evening I'd have been here sooner, blubbering about how sweet you are.

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  14. The Phoebe and Albert newsletter is a big drawcard in my humble opinion...

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  15. I'm afraid to ask my credit limit. Let's have an initiation for the blub next month! :)
    V

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  16. A club with me as a member? Hmmm Okay, but like Brenda, I'd so love a decoder ring.

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  17. Bumper stickers, decoder rings, landyards, credit limits? You're a demanding lot, aren't you.

    I don't know if Scientologists still use that personality test to suck people in, but I'm considering a blubber test.

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  18. There won't be a hell week with hazing, will there?

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  19. Scientologists have you hold onto a couple of tin cans attached to strings that gauge your personality. It's like a lie detector a kid might make in fourth grade. We could make one.

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  20. I think I'd pass the blubber test pretty easily, but my score is starting to drop... gradually.

    WV: subhzrh - locations near large cities where the middle class live. Used to be "suburbs" but serious mutations have occurred in recent decades.

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  21. Ahem....(sung to the tune of Oscar Mayer Weiner)

    Oh, I'd love to be an Altadena Blubber,
    That is what I'd truly like to be.
    'Cause if I were an Altadena Blubber,
    Everyone would be in love with me.

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  22. I'll bake the cookies, lots and lots of Altadena Hikers. And we'll sell them door to door, three doors at the very least. Then we'll eat the rest.

    wv rerran

    Re rran to get the Phoebe and Albert Newsretter.

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  23. I wonder if it's possible for a non marathoner to fail a blubber test. Also, I'm sure I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member.

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  24. Mr. E, everything I've got is starting to drop ...gradually!

    How many boxes of those damn cookies we gotta sell P?

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  25. Flip-flops are okay right?

    I vote for a secret decoder ring.

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  26. I wanna blub card!!! Can late commenters get to be a card carrying member? You wouldn't leave me out? This is very stressful...Agh! Feels like the time I received a call, at dusk on a rainy February day, and was told that I couldn't run for the Engineering Dept princess, or was it queen, cuz my grades weren't good enough!! Deja vu all over! My photos are good, n'est pas? (thought a bit of snobbishness might get me in)

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  27. You betcha, Tash. Maybe I can make bumper stickers out of repurposed post-its, but the decoder ring will take some thinking.

    WV: Blogeors. What we are.

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