Monday, January 4, 2010

I Heart Journalism


If Warren Beatty were on a train with 300 starlets and the train traveled 600 miles from Vienna to Minsk at 40 miles an hour, how many women could he nail. Show your work.

Or let’s say he stays on that train for a lifetime. The numbers alone rivet. I’m not a math whiz, that’s Brenda. But consider this, if the gent gets an early lead and doesn’t have hobbies such as model airplanes and origami, the equation is something like ((75-14) x 365)) x 12. That’s forgetting the threesomes and orgies so let’s just cube the whole thing.

Because, face it, who isn’t insatiably curious about the sex life of a 75 year old man. But only one cutting-edge paper had the guts to tackle the topic. I for one am glad the Los Angeles Times took the lead and slapped the story on page one of the website. Lesser news outlets might shy from stories of historic significance, but not my hometown paper with its proud tradition of journalistic excellence stretching back to the 1890s. And if any other major paper pretends to scoff at this coverage, it’s pure jealousy. They had the same 50 years to get to the story.

Now that my paper has taken this giant step, who knows what they’ll dare to cover next. For example, I’ve heard some wild tales about Lassie. Oh come on, you’ve heard the rumors and don’t tell me you’re not dying to know.

Hmm, ((16-1)x365))x8 ... well, you do the old dog math.

53 comments:

  1. At the risk of being a broken record, this is ungodly clever. Wish I could get students to appreciate--never mind accomplish--this kind of leanness. Brevity really is the soul of wit. Not to mention whacky combinations like Warren Beatty and middle school math.

    Laughed out loud at the first paragraph. Who doesn't love those old story problems.

    I guess now I have to listen to the news about Professor Beatty--heard a headline about "surprising news" concerning him, but I didn't stick around. I feel guided, thanks to you.

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  2. This is, uh, a different kinda posting 4 U, KB. Must bee part of some new yrs resolution. But, as long as you keep the sex part this year you should do fine.

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  3. About Old Yeller--Do you know the old cowboy song "Old Shep"? And was that connected to the movie?

    I'm not sure about the humanity of people who aren't saps for dogs. I guess that's ridiculous.

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  4. Imagine what would happen if Wilt Chamberlain was on that same train.

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  5. There might be snow on the roof, but there's still fire in the furnace." Trust me KB. Seriously. I promise this is my last word on this subject.
    V

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  6. Egad, I had half a bottle of wine with dinner. I can't compute these possibilities. I'm off to read the sage learnings of LA Times sexologists...

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  7. Wow, go Los Angeles Times. Now I can sleep tonight.

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  8. Okay, I read it. After all the obsession with Tiger Woods and now this Beatty exercise I'm convinced more than ever that everybody really needs to get laid more often and stop looking up the skirts of famous people.

    Did I mention I had half a bottle of wine with dinner?

    WV: unsruud!!!! Okay, I win!!!

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  9. This certainly provides a lot of food for thought, Karin. A veritable feast, in fact. Assuming Warren started at age 15, he's been alive roughly 20,805 days. The author of the book, which the Times had no choice but to review, estimates Warren's conquests as something over 12,775. This means he had sex with a new woman more than every other day of his sexually active life. This would be difficult to do. But never mind that.

    What would it feel like to know you're one of nearly 13,000? I knew a very attractive (if you like the 'shallow-bunny look') young woman during high school who moved to LA and according to legend, "dated" Warren. I wonder what she thought after that? Being one of 13,000 is like being someone who attended the Championship Game of an NBA final, or the final game of a Stanley Cup Final. I guess, when you look at it that way, it's not so bad.

    WV: subef, which means "sub F", which is of course the mathematical sign for what we're trying to calculate here.

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  10. don't stop there, Earl. What about Lassie?

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  11. Oh, I feel so sorry for his kids. I like Annette Benning very much, I'm sure she's a lioness right now. Wouldn't want to get caught in her line of sight. Yikes!

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  12. But did Beatty ever make it with Lassie?

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  13. "Lassie? What is it girl? Is Warren in the well again?"

    WV: coidit - as we say "res ipsa loquitur - "the thing speaks for itself."

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  14. I used to know two of the 12,775. Both of them bragged about it. I don't know if they thought they were going to be "the" girl. I don't think they were that dumb.

    I do know I was icked out by them (I'm a writer and that's the best term I could come up with), which is why I "used to know" them.

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  15. San Diego FarmgirlJanuary 4, 2010 at 10:33 PM

    Hey, it was a slow news day! And besides, TMZ probably generates more revenue than the LA Times. Which is why I'm currently shopping Unibomber cabins.

    WV: testic
    If only I were a writer, I could come up with some snappy oversexed male joke for that one. Wasted lob.

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  16. My old memory may not serve me right, but I seem to recall Petrea's initial blog profile pic looked so carefree, warm, & innocent.

    After just 2 yrs of blogging, I'm trying to interpret what her current profile pic means. I'm a bit worried.

    As for me. I still look like an old dog. Hopeless.

    KB, it's good U luv journalism. In that regard, I passed the old La Times bldg this morning.

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  17. Actually Petrea...icky is a clinical term used by many professionals who deal with all levels of humanity to describe that gut level feeling they have about a person who's...well...who's icky!!! Another well used clinical term is looney tunes...

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  18. Hi Altadenahiker !! Wish you a very happy new year..This is a nice post !! Thanks for sharing..

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  19. Oh, icky was invented for occasions such as this. {I hope the Lassie thing has nothing to do with teaching an old dog new tricks.} Thanks for the laughs, KB!!

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  20. I understand there is a turnip that looks just like Richard Nixon. They should be all over this like white on rice!

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  21. I question your math skills. I think you missed a parenthesis there, and everyone knows you do the math in the parenthesis before doing the rest of the equation.

    Besides that, how could you mention Lassie in the same post with Warren? Female dogs (you know the word I want) of the world will revolt!

    Karin, you are a genius! But I am not sure how Warren follows Old Yeller... I am still in tears over that one.

    Awesome wit, my friend!

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  22. Laurie you make a good point but it's not as easy as it sounds!

    And I've not read the article but I do have one question for you all, how did he keep up with that running total, did he have one of those little clickers on him at all times to keep count?

    I love Annette Benning. I always knew she was too goo for him!

    V
    PS See I have to have the last word , even with myself!

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  23. There's a few of you I want to see after class.

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  24. San Diego FarmgirlJanuary 5, 2010 at 7:12 AM

    I had to come back and giggle at that train into the tunnel photo. Hee!

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  25. I was hoping to stay after class.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z35UvJDMYI0

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  26. This one's for Warren:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQZmCJUSC6g

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  27. PS - Karin, you totally ruined my train of thought today (so to speak). And I don't mean thinking about beauty Beatty.

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  28. I know!!! I saw something briefly about the new book and thought, "Who cares?!?" I couldn't give a flying...well....you know...

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  29. I agree with Brenda! Your math is awfully....I think most of you need a class on behalf of....

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  30. I was in school until 2002 but took my last math class in 1994 or 1995. Too bad we couldn't bring "current events" like these to class with us in high school . . .

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  31. We all know the LA Times rarely commits journalism these days (I myself am proof of that). KB, you are such a wonderful and witty writer, I even laughed at your choice of picture!

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  32. File this under "true story"

    Annette Benning was my next door neighbor in San Diego. It wasn't for very long in that my family left for Los Angeles during the week of the Watts Riots. Marla across the street remains in contact with her as well as my sister. Years later i was informed by Chef King Walter's wife that she and Annette had been college roommates. It's interesting to note that Annette's father earned a living espousing Dale Carnegie's philosophy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

    Annette lived under the shake roof and me in the gray house on a street called V Mac.

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  33. PA, I saw an interview with Bening not too long ago, she seemed very grounded as well as accepting of her age (50), no botox, etc. She's just way up there on my like-o-meter. I look at "journalist" Diane Sawyer - okay, I never look at her anymore - and I wonder why she just won't grow old gracefully. What's wrong with being a crone I ask you?
    (Susan C, I just got the joke. I'm soooo slow)

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  34. Cafe: Lego. It's another iPhone App. J is, as I've said, an addict.

    Karin, I've been thinking about this post (your posts always make me think even after I've laughed). I don't think Beatty comes anywhere near "class." Talent, yes. Class, no.

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  35. Well, I think he's brilliant and I don't care how many people he's shagged. He's a pretty cool political activist and was actually part of George McGovern's inner circle and an advisor during that campaign. I think Bulworth is one of the most brilliant screenplays I've ever read/seen and he's the author.

    Really now, is this problematic because we know about it? I'm sure there are a lot of freaks in the bedroom that we deal with 3every day and don't know about so somehow they don't seem smarmy.

    I'm contrary, I guess. The more someone is judged for private behavior, the more I"ll stick up for him.

    I had a friend who worked with him on Reds and said he was one of the nicest guys she'd worked with. I don't know if they slept together or not!

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  36. Now I want to see a bunch of you after class.

    I kind of like it when the discussion goes in directions I didn't anticipate, but for the record, my point was the sad state of journalism.

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  37. Oh, and Vanda, one of the few Hollywood scandals I do know -- they used a boy for Lassie. Perhaps that explains his need for excessive exercise after working hours.

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  38. AH, the "journalists" get Beatty's numbers right, but tell us the swine flu is an epidemic, er, pandemic, when if you look at hard numbers from state health departments it's one of the mildest flus on record. CBS managed to unearth this information but it was buried during Washington Week. Meanwhile, the makers of swine flu vaccine promote the panic, even though it's a hoax. The CDC stopped even testing for swine flu so all the numbers for cases we hear are actually ALL flu-like illnesses being counted in. When CBS found the results of testing, something like 1-4% of all reported cases were actually H1N1, and the rest were something else. But we won't hear that on the news.

    But I digress.

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  39. Digress, Laurie, please! You're as close to journalism as we get, with the exception of the Hiker and Tim.

    My second thought on this one (or is it my third? fourth?): this LA Times story is about an unauthorized biography. Beatty disputes the figure by saying something like "Who keeps count?" I don't feel sorry for Bening. He was famous for having many lovers long before she married him. She's no dummy. There's a lot we don't know.

    The New York Times, which is not going down the tubes, has not yet reviewed this book.

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  40. Speaking of which, and maybe you were, interesting to see which companies had a hand in that vaccine and the positive surge on their stock. Maybe there's been some coverage, but I haven't seen it.

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  41. P: Fingers crossed. And not WSJ, Atlantic Monthly, or The Economist.

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  42. Oh mes cher amis! I hope you will join me in Paris.
    xx
    V

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  43. Mr Earl, I forgot about that song and it's subject. I think she's just gorgeous. And we can thank Warren for the music.

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  44. It's complicated.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You%27re_so_vain

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  45. Only her hairdresser knows for sure!

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  46. well, I am a bad math.. but I m able to wish you a special and funny 2010. :)

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  47. OK, the show is delayed: Just count your brackets!

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  48. I was so confused until I realized that you were talking about Warren Beatty NOT Warren Buffet. ;]

    Do you remember him in Shampoo? Oh, yeah.

    Now back to reading the rest.

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  49. "I stomach...something for being your 50th?"

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  50. This reminds me of when there was a rumor that Bill Bradley would make a run for the presidency with Beatty as his VP. Some wag suggested a possible campaign slogan: "He shoots. He scores."

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  51. (I'm sorry, but that's very funny.)

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  52. What?! Warren Beatty nailed Lassie??!! I can't imagine Warren Beatty in one bathtub and Lassie in the bathtub next to him. What's whit couples taking public yet separate baths? did Warren start all this?

    You're math might be a bit off, you forgot to factor in the Viagra Theorem and the Levitra Logarithm. Or was it Cialis Principal?

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