Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Tiger by the Tale


I can openly belabor the Tiger Woods story because I’m not a serious journalist.

If I were a serious journalist, my editorials would have to wear the cloak of indifference, as in “I'm only using the Tiger Woods story as a way to examine the prurient interests of the American public."

And then maybe I’d invite another sober commentator on board, especially if this were NPR, BBC, or PBS, and we could spend an enormous amount of time discussing our mutual distaste at the story’s prominence in the news. “So that’s three waitresses, one party planner, two models, and a porn star? And there’s speculation he did them all at the same time? Tell me Scott, I look at these pictures and wonder; Why does the public seem to care, because I certainly don’t.” “I can’t say, Noah, because I certainly don’t care either. Especially about the porn star.” "Yes Scott, I believe she starred in Diary of a Horny Housewife, and I most particularly and emphatically do not care about that."

Wall Street Journal got in the game by pretending to cover the business aspect of the case -- the effect waitresses, models, and porn stars will have on future endorsements; will Gatorade pull the plug on the Tiger juice (big mistake, I think. Sure to be a collector’s item, even though everyone seems to have some).

It's almost refreshing to see the story covered by the goofy news outlets like Fox and TMZ. At least there's no pretence; they know their viewers like a little heavy breathing.

And after all, journalism, even the moderately good stuff, has always traded in death and destruction, and when that’s in short supply, sex and scandal. You can only sell what people will buy. If this weren’t true, everyone would have a subscription to The Economist.

Just see how many times Climate Change has clawed its way into the Google top ten list. That only happened, briefly, when there was some breath of scandal about Russian secret service and emails. Now, had those emails been written by porn stars, that story would have had legs.

25 comments:

  1. More importantly, you are a serious humorist.

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  2. Great, grinning word play in every sentence, I do believe. Nice!

    And note that in my tirade here (about Tiger Sins, Part One) and your satire in both posts, we both seem to want some simple honesty. Maybe honesty has Legs too?

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  3. I've often thought of media reporters as being vultures feasting on carrion and subsequently puking it out in print or verbal vomit. Unfortunately, Mr. Woods happens to be the ripest carcass right now.

    I'm happy to say if life story were published, it would thankfully only attract flies. Being unfamous has it's perks.

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  4. Oops. Please insert "my" in the above second to last sentence. Should've had my editor read it.

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  5. Honesty, if it were always profitable, most likely would have "legs" were it not for so many dishonest factions rich enough to dispel the truth.

    (Damn, you're a good lookin' Shep' up there. I miss my ol' Bear Dog.)

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  6. KB, I'm eternally grateful to you for keeping up to speed on the Tiger in so many tanks. I thought for a long time that he might be one of those that we would respect and cheer on till the end of his career. I"m sick of him!!! His children may grow up with a golf bag full of money but what they will really need in life, they've lost.

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  7. "speculation he did them all at the same time"

    A hole in one?

    Sorry.....

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  8. OKb, I think you're saying you had a Tiger by the Tail?

    But, didn't his female sympathizers have Tiger by the golf balls?? Or, was it balls?

    These human games are all confusing for a K9. So, I'm. I'm, just askin.

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  9. Nah, not that. NPR has always been my go-to news source, even though they're incredibly stuffy. And terribly unfunny, especially when they try to be. But when they started delving into the Tiger story, I was disappointed, not that they were cashing in, but that they tried to seem as if they weren't.

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  10. (When they try to be funny, I mean. Kind of like someone's venerable grandparent telling a joke.)

    By the way, for other npr fans, my dad used to do a very good imitation of Sylvia Pajole.

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  11. Siiiilllllveeeah pahjoooooaleeee

    But I'm just

    GG

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  12. After tonight's Tiger cell-phone revelations stay tuned. We're going to find out if a man who's had his private parts removed can still be successful at the top of the Men's PGA Tour.

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  13. My favorite story about contradictions in the world of newscasters is the time when Patty Hearst was kidnapped, and a reporter got on the evening news and said, "Police are asking people not to drive by the Hearst home at 280 West Santa Inez in HIllsborough."

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  14. Oh damn, excuse me while I go and look up prurient.

    My wv is flubie. Tiger has no shortage of flubies?

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  15. It is even easier to guage the public interest nowadays because of the hit count for each story online. This is why they move them around as the hour progresses. We can no longer be surreptitious, if we ever were.

    I don't follow sport so I don't know the answer to this one, but is it well known that Woods is a little simple minded?

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  16. But don't you love venerable grandparents. I still remember the time my grandma justified her nose by saying she had a classic Roman nose, and my grandpa said, "Yeah. It's roaming all over your face." Ah...good times.

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  17. In defense of Tiger: my close friend Ellen has a niece who runs his shoe endorsement/design for (the N word). A few years back she was diagnosed with cancer. Mr Wood, without hesitation, asked "what can I do?" and paid all her out of pocket medical bills.

    In fear of the media: I hope "said niece" does not appear at a press conference on the arm of Gloria (the A word)

    so far so good

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  18. Wake me up when he's connected to Lady GaGa

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  19. Well done AH!!!

    wv: undshot....undie shot....I kid you not!!! watch out Tiger...you might lose to an undshot!!!

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  20. I have a friend who knows people in the golf business. He says that a great majority of the men on the PGA tour "mess around," and a lot of the wives, too. I mentioned the name of a golfer most would expect to be squeaky clean. He said, "His wife." Tigers' proclivities were no secret to the men on the tour.

    So we got to talking about how there are all sorts of things that go on, and no one turns them into a story... until a car crashes into a fire hydrant at 2:30 am. Then suddenly the lid blows off... but only for Tiger. You still don't see anyone doing a story about wife swapping on the PGA tour. Interesting subject. What causes a story that's been known to many, including reporters, for years, to suddenly explode, while other similar stories remain buried.

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  21. I just want to make clear that I made my previous post only because I'm interested in the journalistic phenomenon, and not because I'm interested in who's fucking whom in golf.

    And what's going on in the LPGA, I wonder?

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  22. I suspect it's because golf is not a strenuous sport and they have all this extra energy to work off.

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  23. This scandal gives a new meaning to Nike's campaign of "Just Do It". Poor Cheetah Woods, he's in it now. Really strange how this is frontline news. I'm sure we'll learn more on Meet The Press.

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  24. I was going to let this one go, but I just heard on the news that Tiger Baby is going to put his golf career on hold while he works on his marriage. Gawd, can't you just see it? He's home ALL DAY wagging around behind her begging and sniveling and gnashing his teeth!! She may have to beat him off with a club.

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  25. I'm just glad that none of his mistresses were women of a certain age ... otherwise we would have to endure endless Tiger/Couger jokes and I might have to bludgeon myself with a golf club.

    This essay is hilarious and SO TRUE!!! I love the way the world filters through your wonderful brain.

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