Monday, November 30, 2009

What Swedes Know That You May Not


Even if you don’t play golf, everyone should own at least one golf club. In fact, you may not be aware of this, but the golf club was actually invented way before the sport of golf itself. So many people received golf clubs as Christmas presents and housewarming gifts, that some enterprising soul designed a game around an accumulated collection.

Way before there were links in Scotland, golf clubs beat the bushes and flushed out game, but one needn’t go so far back as that. As recently as the last century, golf clubs have been used to: Scratch backs, floss rhinos, clear drains. It’s also handy as a rose trellis, pool cue, nose-hair remover, and opener for those stubborn pickle jars (hence the nickname: Widow’s Helper).

Of course, most importantly, the golf club is a safety device, famous for saving countless people from quicksand, drunken pool parties, and 20-story suicide attempts.

And now I’ve learned that, in case of a car accident, reach for the club. Leave it to Volvo. You’re going to laugh, but I would have called 911. How many lives have been lost to such ignorance? It’s probably in the Saab manual as well, but if you plan to rescue someone from a dented SUV, reach for the trusty golf club and crush the car’s back window before taking any further action.

Though no scientist, I'm guessing this quickly releases the deadly fumes.

So you can keep your bandages, and CPR, and first-aid kit. Next time I hear someone shout, "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up," I know what I'll grab.

55 comments:

  1. I've known enough "regular guy" golfers to cure me of my tendency to rail against its blue-blooded redolence. This leaves me with a more environmentalist ambivalence: golf courses require so much chemical manipulation as to make them more brown fields than parks, yet they're the closest to nature preserves many neighborhoods have.

    For non-sporting purposes I prefer a baseball bat.

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  2. I knew this was going to be funny when I saw the title and the graphic.

    Let's see Jon Stewart and/or Stephen Colbert* try and top this.




    *
    Your only rivals.

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  3. So you've got a wife that looks like that and you can't keep your putter at home???? She should have wacked the daylights out of him with a driver! Wish someone had given me one as a wedding gift.
    V

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  4. Virg, I don’t understand you.

    I’ve met some Swedes (blue-eyed-blondes), and they are not always easy.....and softly....but can be.

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  6. One version is that he was hit directly with the golf club, came out to drive to the ER or whatever, and crashed the car. The window-breaking story was just a cover. For some reason the FHP wants to sort this out, but because no one but Mr. and Mrs. Woods was involved, why do they care? One pundit has wondered why a guy with over $1 billion doesn't live on a private estate, away from all neighbors.

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  7. PS - Great bog, Karin. That goes without saying.

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  8. Bog, that's probably Freudian? But it's amazing when publicists get involved and make a bad situation, ridiculous. As in, say, the golf club was there to "extricate" Woods from the car. It's just hard for weaker minds such as mine not to comment.

    WV: Soadly

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  9. We skimpered in soadly bog, golf clubs skward aroufus.


    WV: flate

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  10. Scandinavian's have all the fun, especially on their blogs.

    Mr Earl? Channeling Monty Python's Demosthenes?

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  11. Apparently I'll have to slither out of my slivy tove and read the news to understand this one. Back in a minute.

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  12. Hmm. Yeah, Bandit. Couldn't find anything there that had golf clubs in it.

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  13. Petrea: Read about Tiger Woods crashing his car (SUV) in front of his house.

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  14. a friend suggested that the club came first, the accident a coverup to "explain" the dents to his face, the back window a final 3rd excuse for her having it in her hand.

    personally, since it is between them, play it where it landed and leave it alone or take a 1 stroke penalty for picking up your ball(s).

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  15. Nice, Trish. Yeah, who's going to wash Tiger's balls now?

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  16. Oh for goodness sakes, never humor Bandit or P. But I'm ready for Tee and Clunk its.

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  17. Have I unwittingly found my way into a sand trap laid by Bandit and P?

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  18. Seriously, I found nothing in the news about the golf club. Only about the crash. So she, what, attacked him with the club?

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  19. No, according to their spokesman, she saved him with the club:

    Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, told the police she was inside the house when she heard the accident. She said she went outside and used a golf club to break out the rear window of the vehicle, then pulled him from the SUV.

    "According to the officers, yes, she was very upset," he said in response to a question.

    But, he added, "Things like this happen all the time ...

    GG

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  20. But there is a strong belief that she whacked him in the mouth with the club as a result of some adventures with a NY club hostess (whatever that means), and that the crash, and her daring rescue using the club to break the window, were staged to explain his injuries.

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  21. God Earl, what's the matter with you? Haven't you ever seen those signs: "In case of emergency, break glass"

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  22. Yeah, that's what I'd do. Instead of putting a bandage on and staying in I'd go wreck a car. It's easier to explain.

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  23. Yeah, Hiker. It was at a Jewish wedding.

    WV: sodbalt, which is what Woods' story is - a pile of sodbalt.

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  24. Hahahaha! Regardless of the whole SUV thing, I might look for a second-hand club at the local RSPCA thrift shop ~ it will make caring for my rhino infinitely easier.

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  25. Fast Forward - Tiger Woods describes his win on the final hole of the 2011 British Open: "I first thought I'd use my 7 Iron, but because of the wind I decided to use my Wife-Beater instead. But my caddie suggested I use my Window-Breaker, and that did the trick."

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  26. You all have me in stitches! How is it I always come in late to the show? I wonder if Tiger will 'putter' around any more...

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  27. Funny guys!

    WV: Guesse. I don't guesse, I'm sure.

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  28. So that's what that thing is for in my Volvo. I never could figure it out.

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  29. This is really funny. I hadn't read that the golf club was a putter. Are you breaking that news? I was thinking the club of choice would have had a sharp edge -- like maybe a nine iron.

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  30. 2B, is it standard equipment then, the vindow braaker?

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  31. Whew, this post went the way of all the rest Hiker. i don't believe any subject is safe here. Mr. E accused me of being his cohort in crime but as you can see, he has managed to take the balls, I mean the ball and run with it, with little or no help from moi. I am innocent your honor.
    V

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  32. You forced my hand; I had to learn about this story.
    But the Po-Po's spokesman is right:
    Things like this happen all the time.
    I'm with Barbaro-my skills tend toward the bat, though it would only make sense that, say, John McEnroe might wield a racket in such an emergency.
    I have seen an ornamental machete used in such an instance, deliberately dulled on its leading edge, I know, because the person who pulled it from his pants "showed" it to me, and I never interfere with emergency personnel.
    That said, let me share this delightful WV: smozp.

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  33. Hey, I bought a CD of Gould's 1955 Goldberg Variations, Bach, for $6.95, used, at the local Cheapo Records store. Can't wait to hear it-I am cranked up! Whoo-whoo!

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  34. This is a putter? I thought it was a curling iron.

    Re: Gould, Let us know what you think, Bandit. It's my favorite version.

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  35. KB, Nope it's a Wood Whacker! I'm thinking she aimed too high.
    V

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  37. Well, KB, since you mentioned curling iron, I'm reminded that the word "hockey" comes from an old French word meaning "bent stick." When I first heard "bent stick," I thought they were talking about sex at Leisure World.

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  38. Laurie, brilliant.

    Then the proper response:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7imhfT7KEr8

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  39. Ah yes, this reminds me of the time I beat my husband about the head and shoulders with a club, then turned down a police investigation. No domestic violence here, I said, this is only between the two of us.
    Am I the only one who thinks rednecks across Florida will start insisting upon their "Fiftha Mendment Rights", just like ol' boy Tiger got?

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  40. I guess Mr. Woods had a club sandwich.

    BTW... every time I enter and exit a building there's a hand sanitizer dispenser, so I've decided that hand sanitizer is the new holy water.

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  41. Wonder if they'll be invited to the Christmas block party pot luck this year.

    WV: Reckera

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  42. Lol...I had a feeling I knew where that was going. I guess that also explains the odd fashion sense that goes along with the game...?

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  43. I personally care very little what famous people do in their private lives, unless if it involves public nudity - and in that case only if there are pictures.

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  44. An amazing story about a club, a window and two people.

    I have to admit, I’m inquisitive of how it all turns out.

    I trust you will cover it for the US people, and will of course follow that.

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  45. I gave at the office titled the Dec. 2 post, but this one's dandy too. Maybe if our public figures knew you were out there waiting to throw some perspective at them, they'd straighten up and fly right.

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  46. I rarely say "dandy," except for here. Sorry.

    The wit at this site is REALLY impressive. I'm a little late to THIS party, but thanks to all. (Though Earl is REALLY on fire!--again.).

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