Thursday, November 5, 2009

I’m All Ears

My IPod is in critical condition, or the device that poses as an IPod, so I’ve been hiking with my ears exposed for all the world to see. Which isn’t such a bad thing. They’re cute and shapely ears, why shouldn’t they march boldly and proudly, innocent of instruments, unadorned, unashamed, in the sunshine.

Do I take this opportunity to listen to the birds in the brush and the wind in the trees. Unfortunately, no. I listen to myself. Ever been on a 5 mile hike with a total windbag who won’t shut up for a second? Welcome to my world. And it’s not as if I haven’t heard it all before.

Like yesterday, up the Echo Mountain trail, the sky was so clear I could see to Catalina Island, Clear as a bell, I thought. My mom used to say that. She used a lot of American clichés. But why that expression? I know what it’s supposed to mean, but why bell? Is it because the bell’s tone is so pure? Or because bells are so loud you can’t ignore them? Slept like a top, another favorite of hers. Weird. Raining cats and dogs. Hmm, because large drops go SPLAT, like a poodle dropped from 5,000 feet?

Tree.



What about “donkey years.” Well, who the fuck cares, nobody says that anyway. But exactly how long are we going to have to live with “outside the box?” The first person to actually say it could have slapped a patent on that puppy and made millions. Now all he can do is try to convince his kids he was the one who made it up. Good luck. What about “shit eating grin?” riddle me that. At least “eat shit and die,” makes sense.

Red-tailed hawk. Oh, missed that one.


Really, unless you’re Shakespeare or Tennessee Williams or something, you’re better off coming up with a stupid catch- phrase – from a posterity perspective. Think of all the great novels from the 1970’s and 80’s that are out of print, and yet “Baby on Board” will never die.

Tree again.


Slogans, T-shirts, and bumper stickers. That’s where English majors go to die. English majors with a science minor. Gravity, it’s not just a good idea, it’s the law. I’m an English major, you do the math.

That fish with the Jesus and the fish with the Darwin – I’ll bet it was the same guy.

Don’t come a knockin when this van’s a rockin. Carpenters can screw. Beer drinkers do it bitter.

There’s a coyote, but don’t bother me now, I’m with stupid.

47 comments:

bandit said...

Got a book of poetry from Japan as a gift-I looked at the postage stamps.

CB3Dot said...

It seems better than it is, but it ain't
You must be shittin' me (missing adverb?)
I'm tryin' to be neighborly but ...
If I had a nickle for every . ..
A penny saved is a penny earned (Economics 1A?)
How does one get pissed OFF? (I never understood that one.)
You are so eloquent, I blush when adding these not so bon mots but it's my way of yielding to my betters!

San Diego Farmgirl said...

This sounds like my attempts at meditation.

Wayne said...

Nice job Karin, you really pushed the envelope on this one.

Quid said...

"That's where English majors go to die." I'm adding that to my list of favorite quotes of all time. You forgot about greeting cards...

Virginia said...

Oh hell's bells KB, I need more time to think this through but of course , I have to chime in now with the first damn thing that comes to mind. Let me see. My blog friends Maya and Janet, not southerners, fell in the floor laughing when I said they were like a "Lost ball in high weeds". I don't find that funny , just a fact.

I'll be back when the long term memory has kicked in.....if it does.
V

Susan C said...

Been there, done that.

Virginia said...

Oh and there is no way José ( that could be politically incorrect but I'm not sure) that I can walk without my Ipod Shuffle. If it's down, I'm out.
V

Anonymous said...

Ah, YOU are my ANGEL(es)!

Julie said...

Without something stuffed in their ears the younger generation is up shitcreek without a paddle ... tsk ...tsk ... tsk

Laurie said...

If this is what happens when your Ipod breaks then I hope you don't fix it.

Did you take your carbon with you? You know, bankers do it with interest. (Just ask Ashlee.)

Shell Sherree said...

Oh damn, I just did something indelicate with my cup of tea when I started reading this, KB.

Cafe Pasadena said...

Oh my, KB...don't call her a "total windbag." She reads your blog afterall. But, maybe she'll skip this post.

And, I'm shocked! I never knew that about The Carpenters.

Terri said...

Let's get shit-faced, shall we? Well, maybe not.

Mister Earl said...

Ah, the voices in our heads. The other night I heard a guy say, "I'm a reasonably bright guy, but I've discovered that my 'committee' is comprised of idiots."

WV: "serom" as in "the serom on the mount.'

altadenahiker said...

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

Unseen Rajasthan said...

Sad to know that your I Pod is not in good condition !! Shots are good too !!

pasadenaadjacent.com said...

Like the way you structured this post. A pictorial time lapse of through your personal mind trash. Were "on the same page" with that

Other places to die besides bumper stickers? tee-shirts, greeting cards and children's books.

word verification?

Yup....it was me who first came up with that. For today it's rejecera. The era of rejection.

Anonymous said...

I didn’t know about carpenters either, but we can always learn.

I just want to wish you all a nice (or should I say funny) week-end (notice, I didn’t say a nice DAY)! We will see what’s happening.

Margaret said...

Now you're all making me nervous that I'm going to start talking in cliches.

Paula said...

PA, thank for explaining the visual timeline, I'm SO visual that I was completely lost for a moment. I was also distracted by the thought that KB was perfectly describing motherhood. Children do love routine and dependability so, saying the same cool stuff over and over again, and they're never quiet when you want them to, especially out in the one place you want them to learn to listen.

Of course, nothing hurts worse than when your three year old son tells you to stop calling him that old cliché "Baby Doll". Like a knife to the heart.

Thanks for the stroll, KB.

Tash said...

I gotta get me the "Rolling Hills" tank top, but it might be against truth in advertising.

Here is some from my ethnically-diverse co-workers:
"Do that right off the back."
"I am listening to the world-recounced..."
"I'm done with all testes".

BTW - I laughed so hard on the bird photo. Classic.

CB3Dot said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CB3Dot said...

Your kids will git ya' from time ta' time. My son, in his 20s said to me, "Dad, you were not a good role model for me." I said, "Sorry."

-K- said...

OMG - "Tree again"

So funny.

(FYI -I've never written "OMG" before in my life.)

BANJO52 said...

Windbags, internal and external, are a favorite subject of mine. Your second paragraph and closing are KB, Hall of Fame, tho' that's a croweded place.

Did I miss the declaration that this was National Profanity Day? I'm fanning myself. But it also frees me to mention that my old man had one I've never heard anywhere else. To express an act done with, I guess, adroitness: "slicker 'n snot on the barn door."

Anonymous said...

This sure will be a funny week-end: How can anyone be so visible without saying anything wrong. I notice some are more direct and rude in their comments, but they don’t get the same intention in the post. I’m really confused here! Can you help me out/in!

Let’s all go discrete together (not echo mountain, please…. I’ve tried that!). Just food and drinks! I prefer white wine! No beer,.....OK? Just for you, we have all the beer here!

Mister Earl said...

"Rolling Hills" tank tops! Every woman should have them. God forbid "Great Plains"!

Laurie said...

My friend Karin went to Echo Mountain and all I got was this lousy Rolling Hills T-shirt.

Carolynn said...

You are a riot! And very wise.

Petrea said...

Aaaaahhhhhhh!

Tree. Funniest. Aaaahahahahaha!

I am speechless at this time (as opposed to other times, when I'm merely inarticulate).

Mister Earl said...

AH: That gives me an idea to make a T-Shirt that says, "I'm with stupid" with the arrow pointing up toward the wearers head. Or I guess, in the case of some men, it could be pointing down. We could sell those along with "Rolling Hills" ladies shirts.

altadenahiker said...

Arrow up we could sell at colleges, arrow down we could sell at bars.

Anonymous said...

If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?

GG

Anonymous said...

I agree, the bars are too high.

Let’s go to the ball (-room).

dbdubya said...

A couple of my favorite and a bit unusual cliches:

Why are you grinnin' like a mule eating onions?

Or,that's slicker than dog snot on a door knob.

If I was hiking Echo Mountain with you it wouldn't matter whether I had an I-pod or not. I still couldn't hear you from the constant ringing in my ears.

My most common remark is "What?"

Virginia said...

Dbdubya and Banjo,
I tried not to have to do this, and I'll put it as decently as I can, but it's:
"Slicker than owl s_ _ _ on a linoleum floor."
You 'fornias just dont' know this stuff do you??? Amazing.

V

KB the leather straps thing cracked me up.

Mister Earl said...

Virg: Slather it with butter and call it a biscuit!

Soilman said...

In the UK, the current national favourites I love to loathe:

• "It was a rollercoaster ride"
• "I gave it 150%"

Firearms are hard to come by in the UK, but should you hear of a Columbine-style massacre over the pond, you'll know who did it and why.

Mister Earl said...

Soilman: In the US "we give 110%." I guess we're lazy.

altadenahiker said...

Typical Yanks. We also think we’re equivocating if we back off one tenth of one percent, as is, “I’m 99.9 percent sure…”

WV: Etartat. Now that should be a word.

Mister Earl said...

"99 and 44 one-hundreths percent pure!" In the case of Marilyn Chambers, the Ivory Snow girl, that other .66 percent amounted to a career in porn!

Karin, I must say that reading your blog makes me happy as a clam!

TheChieftess said...

Ohhhh, Virginia...my daddy always used to say... "slicker than deer guts on a door knob"!!! He also used to answer the phone at times with "Mort's Morturary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!!!"

Mr. Earl...I love the arrow up and the arrow down t-shirts...and can totally relate to the committee of idiots!!!

Great plains, Rolling Hills, what about the Rocky Mountains???

Petrea said...

It's "slicker 'n snot on a doorknob."

I've been silent on this one long enough.

Brenda's Arizona said...

Totally precious. You english majors ROCK! Yeah, I've done the math... why do you think I majored in science?
Besides, dog Sophie has a shit-eating grin. Trouble is, she actually eats the stuff.
Totally super! thanks!!

Barbaro said...

My top two candidates for cliche euthanasia:

At the end of the day

Now more than ever

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