I’m All Ears

My IPod is in critical condition, or the device that poses as an IPod, so I’ve been hiking with my ears exposed for all the world to see. Which isn’t such a bad thing. They’re cute and shapely ears, why shouldn’t they march boldly and proudly, innocent of instruments, unadorned, unashamed, in the sunshine.

Do I take this opportunity to listen to the birds in the brush and the wind in the trees. Unfortunately, no. I listen to myself. Ever been on a 5 mile hike with a total windbag who won’t shut up for a second? Welcome to my world. And it’s not as if I haven’t heard it all before.

Like yesterday, up the Echo Mountain trail, the sky was so clear I could see to Catalina Island, Clear as a bell, I thought. My mom used to say that. She used a lot of American clichés. But why that expression? I know what it’s supposed to mean, but why bell? Is it because the bell’s tone is so pure? Or because bells are so loud you can’t ignore them? Slept like a top, another favorite of hers. Weird. Raining cats and dogs. Hmm, because large drops go SPLAT, like a poodle dropped from 5,000 feet?

Tree.



What about “donkey years.” Well, who the fuck cares, nobody says that anyway. But exactly how long are we going to have to live with “outside the box?” The first person to actually say it could have slapped a patent on that puppy and made millions. Now all he can do is try to convince his kids he was the one who made it up. Good luck. What about “shit eating grin?” riddle me that. At least “eat shit and die,” makes sense.

Red-tailed hawk. Oh, missed that one.


Really, unless you’re Shakespeare or Tennessee Williams or something, you’re better off coming up with a stupid catch- phrase – from a posterity perspective. Think of all the great novels from the 1970’s and 80’s that are out of print, and yet “Baby on Board” will never die.

Tree again.


Slogans, T-shirts, and bumper stickers. That’s where English majors go to die. English majors with a science minor. Gravity, it’s not just a good idea, it’s the law. I’m an English major, you do the math.

That fish with the Jesus and the fish with the Darwin – I’ll bet it was the same guy.

Don’t come a knockin when this van’s a rockin. Carpenters can screw. Beer drinkers do it bitter.

There’s a coyote, but don’t bother me now, I’m with stupid.