Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Party of One

Damn, just when you think things can’t get any worse. And I was having such a good time, just my plastic dry cleaner bag and me. Whooping it up, we were. As soon as you find an economical source of fun, one person has to ruin it for everyone. And there’s an American flag on the bag, so this is probably part of the Constitution or something.

While considering other party game options, I wrapped my head in a plastic newspaper bag and what do you think? Printing as large as life: Warning: May cause suffocation.

Ever in search of a good time, I was going to spray some Raid down my throat, and whoa cowgirl – guess what? It’s harmful if swallowed AND I can’t spray it in my eyes, which was my second choice. See? One person. Ruin it. Everyone.

So I bought a pack of cigarettes, but I’m not stupid. Even without the warning label, I know not to inhale. The plan is to stick the lit end in my ear, and there’s nothing on the label about THAT, so let the good times roll.


  1. there's nothing on my phone that says its dangerous to text and drive which is why i get so much done.

    gotta go the light jsut turned green and peopel are beginning to honk at me

    sent via my blackberry

  2. Some people have loads of fun wherever they are - I'll bet the TV was never your babysitter.

    I don't read labels or follow written directions, I figure if I got it as far as the front door I get to do whatever I want with it. That's why I always iron my clothes when I'm wearing them. I think they look better.

    wv frextent
    I frextent on my dewberry while steering my car with my knees.

  3. Wood luved to have a photo of this post so I could picture this...better.

    BTW, who's that other fella who claimed not to inhale?

    sent via digital satellite NASA vehicle Internet connection

  4. Did you ever have a stream of conscience trek down a street in Anytown,USA. If you didn't, I think you just did. 'N you're not even a child of the 60s. I gotta take you aside and give you some tips. Also, wha' evah you are using, there are some peeps who might like you to share it. Not me. I'm too sphinctered. But I'll fight to the death to proteck yo' right to do what ever you did, when you did it, and . . .

  5. I've been searching my house for warning labels.

    You all are too funny. I give up. Your labels are funnier than my labels.

  6. no kidding, I stood in line at Costco tonight, in the line right next to the cigarette cage (ok, there's a clue, they are in a cage!).

    I looked up and saw a Prop 65 warning inside of the cage.

    Then I read it.
    the warning said:


    Consuming food or beverages that have been kept or served in leaded crystal products or handling products made of leaded crystal will expose you to lead - a chemical known to
    the State of California to cause birth defects or other reproductive harm.

    Please keep all crystal products away from children.


    I asked the clerk why the cigarettes needed a crystal warning. He shrugged and continued to ring me up and ignored my question.

    I of course, couldn't find a manager to ask. I'll email them.

    But I will warn you, you do anything other than hang those cigarettes off your ears, unlit, I'ma gonna come find you and give you what for.

  7. Can you hear me now?

  8. just one more proof that blondes have more fun

  9. I have two five gallon pails; an old one and a new one. I use the old one the most because there is no printing on it - no warning labels.

    My new pail scares me. There are too many words I must re-read to refresh myself on the rules of what the pail is not intended for. It also has a drawing of a child falling n headfirst into the pail.

    I hadn't realized there was a problem of herds of toddlers simply falling into 5 gallon pails.

  10. DL, I thought the bucket warning was overkill too - until I had a child and then I saw all the possibilities. They get into EVERYTHING. That's one warning I paid attention to.

    wv spier

  11. I do rather love the image of herds of toddlers pitching head first into buckets. Maybe they're too busy texting.

    (Tash, it's true; we do.)

  12. I blame the Hemlock society. Bunch of dead beats.

  13. This is so funny--I'm enjoying it and the comments thereon. Thanks.

  14. Well that's hilarious. KB, everything you've got is funnier than mine. (Did that come out right? I don't think so). I try never to read directions or labels so I can party till the cows come home.
    PS That "waiter" was pretty fine wasn't he!

  15. Starved for entertainment, are you?

  16. K - Ha!

    I'm still hiding out since I ripped those tags off my pillows. Gotta go. I hear choppers circling overhead.

  17. My ear hurts. Do you think I have a lawsuit?

  18. I think you have the opportunity for a lot of sleepless days and nights. Can you hear the words coming out of my mouth???


    I swear!

  19. It's like that bubble bath that says, "Keep in a dry place."

  20. This is great! Remember the old Saturday Night Live skit with Dan Ackroyd as the kid's toy maker with toys like Bag of Broken Glass and Night Time Pedestrian?

  21. I was the process of stuffing my mouth with pony tail bands, and saw this on the tag: Warning! Choking Hazard!

    Is nothing sacred?

  22. a friend was in the air force, when he was loading munitions, there was a sign overhead "DO NOT PUT MUNITIONS IN MOUTH"...

    now, how many AF guys had to have their heads blown off to have the sign erected?!?

  23. I like the idea of calling computers pails*** or buckets.

    I need a new pail because this one is beyond it.

    ***ref. to Dusty Lens's comment above

    wv: "bardist" (like LAist or Gothamist for Shakespeare lovers?)

  24. Anyone care to join me for an anti-freeze martini? They're quite sweet!

  25. Munitions snack with an antifreeze chaser. Then join me in huffing my canola spray oil.

  26. After I get oiled up from a canola huffing I like to stare into the sun for a while.