Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Get A Grip

People who watch sports, particularly televised sports, and feel they have some sort of vested interest in the result, are pathetic. You know who you are. Pulling a numbered jersey over your ever-expanding stomach, spilling beer and spitting guacamole and Pringles as you cheer your team to victory.

As if the team could hear you; as if the team would care.

Sorry, but I think it’s important you face the truth. You’re wasting precious time and emotion on self-deception; wrapping yourself in the steroid-induced victory of someone who doesn’t even know you’re alive. To further the fantasy, you drop the hero’s first name in casual conversation. Kobe this. A-rod (or whoever it is that isn’t spending his summer in front of a senate-subcommittee) that.

Of course, none of these hold true if the game is tennis.

So, Rafa lost in the French Open over the weekend and life is not worth living. I go through the motions, remembering to talk to friends, pay the bills, wash myself. But look closely – my eyes are blank, my laughter hollow, and I missed a place behind the ears. Did I remember to floss … oh, what possible difference can that make now?

It was bad enough when Nadal started wearing shirts with sleeves. But to not see him at all? And if that smug Swiss actually pulls this one out (horrors), I’ve lost $5 to HER!


  1. Last week I made a sacred vow to myself to not be the "first-responder" two times in a row but I nonetheless have to acknowledge being totally tricked, duped, sandbagged and flummoxed by your tennis-centric bamboozlement.

    But, seriously, I'm sorry Mr. Rafa is not going to the Super Bowl - that's what they call it, right?

  2. Yo bad.

    I hope you game me enuf time to kereck my spelling and punctuation. Errors were numerous.

  3. Well you have one more typo and my guess is that Wayne's gonna nail you if you don't fix it quickly.

    BTW, I didn't even know the French Open was here in Paris till a friend emailed me . I said, " Is that tennis or what?".

    One last thing while I"m nitpicking. I think tortilla chips go with guacomole , not PRingles, but each to his own.

  4. I'm envious. I wish I could get excited about a sport, any sport. The closest I come are Senate hearings on C-Span.

  5. susan, are you wearing a jersey and drinking beer? Then it counts.

  6. As Springsteen said, opening his Superbowl halftime appearance: "Step away from the guacamole dip. Put down those chicken fingers."

    You're so right, KB, about sports. Having an emotional investment in the outcome is ridiculous. Just enjoy it for its beauty, like watching a ballet. Oh, the times we've been depressed because some brat who makes millions for playing a game or riding a bike didn't do what we wanted him to do. Or that damn horse. What's wrong with him (her, it)?

    "misiver" - I'm guessing that's in part why Nadal lost.

  7. My mother in law can't stop talking about Tennis. She's partial to the Argentines. Me? I don't do sports. And I feel inferior because of that.

  8. Buck up. There's always England. Double down.


  9. K, first responders have a high incidence of burn-out so be careful, 'k?
    The tennis thing, I don't understand that either, Margaret. Nor the fact that I've been watching NASCAR races. Although, I did get to watch the shoving match between Danica Patrick and that Wheldon guy. That's one of my favorite moments in sports of all time.

  10. Tennis !! Wow I Sometimes Love This Game..And Thanks For THe Comments On My Blog..And Where Do U Want Me To Send THe Mask TO You??:)

  11. Oh, I do sympathize. It's just that men's tennis lost its flare after Agassi retired. Women's, on the other hand, is fun now with the Serbian women playing.

  12. Now I want to try pringles with guacamole.

    WV: Aeques Isn't he a rising new tennis star?

  13. Mr Earl, who won that anyway? The Yankees?

    margaret, the Argentines? That's odd, I can only think of one.

    PJ, what does one eat and drink with NASCAR?

    Unseen: Guess I'll just have to paste the picture to my outer wall.

    Tash: During the war, one of those two women learned to play tennis at the bottom of an empty swimming pool. I heard her tell the story.

    Laurie: Bet you don't.

  14. There's always England, is great advice with resonance. I'll add some more: no matter how bleak things get, keep flossing.

  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

  16. Well, it's hard to say, the trance I'm in and all, but I think it's Zapp's jalapeno potato chips with a side of mini-eclairs washed down with a gallon of sangria. But really, I'm just guessing. I could easily turn out to be cheetos and guacamole with Pabst. Which makes me sad.
    I still think Danica should have kneed that guy in the pringles.

  17. I used to watch midget wrestling with my grandmother. Thats the closest I ever came to enjoying a sport.
    Sorry, I'm having a hard time playing the empathy card on this one. What I can do is offer you a Zanex, Percodine or a shot of Southern Comfort.

  18. pA, nuttin like the life of you artists.

  19. AH: What do I know? My mother is from Argentina. She yaks so much about that I figured there must be a posse of Argentine players.


    I heard Rafa lost. My local paper used him as an example of GOOD sportsmanship, as opposed to LeBron James refusing to shake hands after losing the series to the Orlando Magic. LeBron is 24, Rafa turns 23 today I think---and they were suggesting Rafa could give the moron a few lessons in respect and courtesy.

    I think to each his/her own. Despite having grown up thinking football was the end all be all, we took a 10 hour driving trip this year on SuperBowl Sunday instead of watching the game. I've got a host of letters, trophies and certificates from the various sports I played many years ago (proof is on the wall at Westridge and a few other places around town)---it means I'm not playing now---leaving it up to the young'ns.

    and no one should feel inferior or less than for not getting "into" sports---everyone's got their thing. Sports is mine---delicious and beautiful food and gardens and writing and...and..and are Susan's...it all works out.

    How about you carry over your bet to the All England Lawn Club? Double down? ;-)

  21. Ya'll are speaking another language here. I don't have a damn thing of interest to add but my WV is FARKSHIN and I liked it so much I couldn't pass it up.

    I'll be home in time for SEC football and then there'll be some guacamole grazing going on washed down with some Jack Daniels ( or as the French say, "Zock Daniels)!

  22. My daughter is cranky and it's thundering outside. I could use some of that Zock Daniels about now.

  23. Westridge? Trish, now I want to hear all about your childhood. I played junior's tennis; maybe we can swap war stories. Some of the places we'd play -- kind of like being in a bad rock band.

    Zock Daniels, a verrrry fine vis-key.

  24. yup, Westridge---a little JTA, volleyball, soccer, basketball, softball, water polo and field hockey. If you go into the gym, you'll find a plaque with my name on it from a few decades ago proving at one time I could outrun some gazelles, instead of the dust bunnies, which are more my speed nowadays.

    oooh, groupies and war stories! nothing quite like playing on a court on So San Rafael of some JTA supporter we never met.

    I'll pass on the "Zock Daniels" and head for the Glenlivet instead!

  25. You are freaks of the century, both a yuz. Totally flourescent thpittin' pringaths.

    More gin please.


  26. Ah jeez, if I'd seen Trish's comment earlier, I could have saved icddd a hangover.

    My bad rockband went to some nice cities, but more often, tournaments in godawful places like Bakersfield in summer. Bunking with unknown families, or dorms. And I was young for the juniors, started at 10 or something. And so for a couple of years, the after-parties were lonely affairs for me.

    Trish, however, has quite a different story I think...

  27. I was about to be very angry because I am a die-hard world cup fan! And then I realized you must be joking by the end haha. May your lifeless eyes find life again sometime soon!

    Shawna's Study Abroad

  28. Westridge? When? I need to know. I'll trade you the info on Anna, for this little tidbit!

    Between the ages of 18-22 my sport was 0-180 in a little over 8 seconds. I like adrenalin rushes. Later in life I took up skiing. More adrenalin rushes. Unfortunately my back is not up to it in the past couple of years (auto accident,) but I'm working on that and hope to get back to it someday.

    Funny, after being a sports participant for may years I find no interest in watching it on TV. I's just not the same thing, rather boring really. My only exception to my self imposed TV spots rule are the Olympics.

    WV: sedaffi (looks like you need one)

  29. I had to google to recall who played in this year's Superbowl, other than Springsteen.

    Gabriella Sabatini - she was an Argentinian tennis player.

    The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club - let's have an all-blogger croquet match!

  30. Mr. E,
    All blogger croquet match sounds worth the plane fare. Count me in. I'll bring the quacamole and a bag of pork skins too!

  31. Mid-town, I've requested Trish's return to fill us in. (Been skiing since I could walk.)

    Earl & Virg: That would be great. We could all let our competitive fangs show.

  32. Yes, I'm pathetic. I like baseball. I like the Dodgers, and I watch them on the tv, and I yell at them on the tv. They can hear me. Pass the carrot sticks.

    I agree with you that tennis is a better watching experience---it's an infinitely more complex and interesting sport. I have been at live tennis matches where the encouragement of the crowd had a most definite result on the outcome--dare I say even changed the outcome?--of the match. The coach may not be allowed to coach during a match but the crowd is no-holds barred.

    My friend Nadine (now living in Monte Carlo where she occasionally sees Magnus Norman, coach of the dragon-slayer) is a big Rafa fan. I call her Nadaline and she calls me Kellerer. She was concerned about Rafa's run at RG from the first moment she saw the pink shirt. Hiding 'the guns' in sleeves is unconscionable. Nike execs--Wake Up!

    Margaret, this name will endear your m-i-l to you...Juan Martin Del Potro. I saw him win at UCLA last summer and he's been on a roll ever since---and still a contender at this year's French Open. That 'feeling inferior' thing---that we must discuss in person.

    My man RF has got a tough mental row to hoe to get through to the end of this dirt-ball tournament. I will be with him, yelling at the tv, every step of the way...and I believe he knows it. Tennis is the most mental of sports.

    PS I know I sound insane. And I must really be insane, because I don't care!

    PPS Roger is not smug! He's just concentrating!! He can't help it if he exhibits Basel-esque reserve!!

    PPPS Is there some kind of Swiss-Swede rivalry from history that I don't know about?

    WV: speri like Spyri who wrote about the Swiss Alps.

  33. Find a spot. I have a lovely croquet set in my garage.

  34. You never got back to me on the holy trio. Since the Frankophiles highjacked my comment on Jack Danials, may I return the favor. The elevators in the Eiffel Tower were engineered and constructed by George Ellery Hale's father


  35. Made me laugh out loud. The only sport I have an attention span for is football - it's (usually) only on two days a week and the regular season is all of 16 weeks.

  36. Trish has promised to return w/stories, and I am totally down with this croquet idea.

  37. KB,
    Comment on my BADP blog for my friend Jean re Albert's current job as CEA etc. I forget his real title.

    PS I've been overserved. Enuff sed??

  38. i agree with all that, but I love tennis and will faithfully attend the US Open this year, even though I've been laid off. Wha?? Venus doesn't know I exist? I'll get you for that! And your little dog too!!

  39. I've got a couple pieces of paper somewhere around here. One signed by Newcombe, the other signed by Laver. Remember when tennis was about Aussies and Americans?

  40. sorry folks---had a flat on the fran van this am...an unexpected trip to have it repaired made for a looong day---where my crackberry won't let me post a note...I can read and search, but not post.

    mid-town---email AH and she'll have answers...when were you a Tiger?

    these days I spend my time at a slower speed---age and old knees and some medical issues. I'll trade back stories---blown discs, fractured bones, pinched nerves---all things my chiro takes care of these days to keep me walking.

    Sabatini...wow..that goes back a few years...watched her plenty...I do miss her intensity. These days, I don't spend a lot of time on the court---but do spend time with a friend who played with and against Martina years ago.

    Am SO up for some croquet...used to rule the court at our cabin and at my godparents home.

    And...ONLY because of these comments---I picked up a bottle of Glenlivet today...gonna have to break it open when my sister comes for a visit this weekend!

  41. See, Margaret, I don't do sports either, but it makes me feel superior.

    Except All-Blogger Croquet. It's played with a mallet in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. The historical first match will be held as soon as Virginia gets to town.

  42. They have Whiskey at Brix 42 too, P?
    Anyway, I think it's time you left that joint & go home. Your Master Boz is out looking for you.