Wednesday, June 24, 2009

All things vegetable and mineral

Did you know I grow vegetables because I don’t like vegetables? But after all the sweat and blood (secateurs are not for daydreamers) I drop on their little crowns, I'm compelled to eat the buggers.

There are blogs, so many blogs out there where people take romantic, almost pornographic, portraits of their squash and snap peas, then wax rhapsodic about biting into the crisp delicious goodness. These bloggers get all up in your face with their piety and root-bound poetry, as if this vegetative compulsion makes them one of God's chosen.

They’re wrong of course; it is I who am closer to god. I tell the truth. No vegetable on earth tastes as good as a Snickers.

In my house, we were not allowed to eat candy at all when we were children. Probably because the parental units knew their tiny subunit was born with a long, root canal-waiting-to-happen sweet fang. When they finally relented and opened the gates to sugary heaven, I would chew a whole pack of gum (Stripe or Juicy Fruit) in thirty minutes. A roll of butterscotch lifesavers? Don’t blink. My mom tried poetry. “How about this beautiful red apple instead.” Or “Take this ripe, juicy, sweet plum.”

Right lady, kiss my apricot. Pass the M&M’s. And a Pepsi. (Oh, please, I didn’t say that. I would have been murdered on the spot. In truth, I just stole some change from her purse and walked to the country club vending machine for a Heath Bar.)

I’d make peace with raw vegetables if they tasted more like butter and garlic. But that heirloom carrot is like sucking on an old tire, even though it costs more than a set of Michelins to grow it. Tomatoes are ok because tomato sauce over pasta requires lots and lots of cheese and meatballs.

But with the others -- the zucchini and cucumbers and green beans and eggplant -- cheat. Braise ‘em, roast’em, sauté them. Fry them in bacon lard. Douse them in hot pepper sauce, and cover their little tasteless bodies in sausage. Melt some Roquefort.
Better yet, throw a party. Everyone will swoon over your spring onions and bell peppers. But at the end of the night, the only thing missing will be the Cheetos.

(Note: I of course like all those soulful vegetable blogs. Also, there is blogger activity going on in philosophical support of the protest in Iran. You’re welcome to join in. You’re also welcome not to join in. I’ll try to contribute something brief and barely readable on Saturday. To get my brain working, I’ve heard a plate of fish (fish! don't get me started) might help.


  1. I luv your new found veggie blogging. Still, now you're obligated to give balanced reporting with a future post on "All things chocolate & decadent!"

    Otherwise, XXXce!!ent! per the norm, Kb! Continue on.

  2. The fence around my Manor crashed under the pressure of a burgeoning junkyard at the top of the hill, previously some 15 feet from my fence, which I built following the last Big Quake. Two weeks of digging, screwing, matching 45 degree corners, green chalk lines, and perfectly lined wood screws, restored my fence on a hill of soft soil that no longer support UH FENCE.with dogs living next door, that havepaws like stevedores and nails like pick axes. The good Lads, who did the rebuild, solved the issue, as the hill was dissolving like Dutch chocolate on a hot muffin. A THREE STEP TIERED GARDEN. I am now ready for tomatoes, hot peppers, peas, and the butter beans that never grow. So, Ms. KB! What do I plant to validate myself as one to proudly wave the GREEN shield?

  3. squash can be so sensuous...

    hrrumph! but that's not why we grow them! It's for vitamins, and to conceal grandma's leftovers, for floor length paisley skirts on cherubic hippie girls who don't shave there legs, (least that's what I remember) to stay regular, or for some reason to keep a root cellar and yawn at Victory Garden on public TV, to conceal your distaste and say, "hey, this is some mighty tasty squash you got here! Are these butternut?!"

    ...or are they sensual?

  4. Chris, plant all the things you should eat but never do. I just had to order a nother bale of straw and alfalfa. Where does that stuff disappear to anyway?

  5. Those tomatoes are almost reaching up to the top of their 7' cages. Amazing. Can't wait 'til they're ripe.

  6. CB3Dot,
    What has screwing got to do with 45 degree corners, chalk lines and digging??? And let me know when the butter beans come in, I'll be over for dinner. I'll bring the cornbread.

  7. "They’re wrong of course; it is I who am closer to god. I tell the truth. No vegetable on earth tastes as good as a Snickers."

    Made my day. :)

  8. I'm impressed that you actually spend that money, blood, sweat and tears on a vegetable garden when you're not that into the end result. I am not a gardener but I admire other's people's gardens. And, no, not much tastes better than a snickers bar. Maybe a Midnight Milky Way . . .

  9. That does it. I'm going to post a picture of my tomato plant.

  10. I'm reminded that you were one of the few people willing to try my Carver Caramels. And one of the fewer yet, who liked them. And one of two (Tash) to take some home. And the only one to write me the next day because you ate them and wanted more.

    I think I tried to convince people of their health value due to my choice of bran flakes over corn.

  11. Yes, there are many mysteries in life. How did the world begin? Who built the pyramids? Why, when oatmeal is good for you does caramel taste better?

  12. I was never so happy as when I read the articles last year about the huge health benefits of coffee and chocolate. Coffee helps with staving off Parkinsons, is great for your liver and keeps brains active in old age. Chocolate is a better antioxidant than blueberries and can be as effective against hypertension as a single antihypertensive drug when taken as dark cocoa daily.

    Caramel is surely to follow. I can feel it.r

  13. Ouch.

    Oh well, I still like my fresh veggies AND my Snickers.

    And, as always, I like your humor.

  14. I repeat: I love the beautiful veggie blogs. And Christina's is special.

    Now for a martini and a snickers.

  15. Vegetables never win over dessert. Ever. And if someones says they do, they're lying.

    And Roquefort - tastes really yummy with sweet pastry dough.

  16. No worries, AH. If I could figure out how to grow martinis, believe me, I would have an orchard of martini-trees.

  17. Hot sauce covers a multitude of sinnin'.

    What do you think of a performance art piece called Veggie Porno? Think that will encourage people to eat healthy or just use them as marital aids?

  18. I've been growing tomatoes on the roof of my building for years now and I have to say that nothing compares to the taste of a fresh Twix candy bar.

    ...I *think* I meant 'a handful of yellow sungold cherry tomatoes right off the vine'...but I'm not sure.

  19. We are big sugar lovers over here, I am afraid to say. I am horrible mother and bake often. But I like vegetables so that should count for something. Even if no one else likes them but me.