Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Skin Deep

Many ask how I keep a smooth complexion and rosy glow, and far be it for me to hide such secrets. Given our economically challenged times, you’ll be happy to know most of the tools can be found at your local Home Depot and require minimum investment.

Shopping list:
Safety Goggles
Sand Blaster
Paint Scraper
Duct Tape

Ok, the sand blaster requires some cash outlay, but take care of your tools, and they’ll take care of you. Plus, if you stand against an outer wall that needs some assistance, it’s two birds with one handful of grit.

Consider your complexion a canvas. A brief blow from the sandblaster will take care of most of the egregious flaws, such as acne scars, lines, and those pesky blackheads. Stand still and expressionless, and don’t look in the light. (And for god’s sake, safety first! wear the goggles.)

After treatment, the turpentine will work as an astringent and close up the pores.

When at Home Depot, ask the courteous salesperson to match the spackle to your skintone (I’m a #3!). Use liberally, and wipe off excess with your paint scraper. (I know, I know, you’re asking “But what about grout?” Grout was fine for your grandmother, but it’s too gummy, and it tends to collect dirt and turn an unattractive gray on windy days.)

For a really special occasion, I steal some novacaine from my dentist and shoot it in the “expression” areas – between the brows and around the mouth. Trust me, no facial muscles will dare move that night.

And on those days when you need a little extra help, pull your visage up with duct tape. Duct tape, you say – won’t everyone notice? Not if you disguise it with a duct tape silver hat (see instructions on my craft blog).

So you’re ready now? Not quite yet. Practice, practice. Practice on your mother and other older family members. The first few times you’ll find the sand is too coarse or the blaster set too high. But given time, you’ll find the right mix.

Next week we’ll look at make-up and blush. Latex or water-based? How much lead is too much lead? How much base coat? Roller or sprayer? Our answers will surprise you. Plus wood putty and minwax, pros and cons.


  1. Karin - You are just totally, completely, and positively too much. I think you would enjoy the paintings of my friend Nikki Nash. http://www.nikkinash.com In particular take a look at some of the details in the bomb shelter paintings and many of the others. And do not miss the "at work" section.

  2. Some Home Depot employees need further training.

  3. earl, I'll look once my spackle dries. And anon, try the HD in Beverly Hills adjacent.

    My word is regrow.

  4. Brilliant. Hysterical. Clearly I've been spending my money at the wrong makeup counter.

  5. This is all about me, isn't it?

    *** three gold stars of funny

  6. So, that's the secret! I'd better not say anything, as much as I AM tempted. So, no comment.

    On the other complexion, KB, where's my editor when I really need her?

  7. I spent the afternoon rummaging in my garage for beauty supplies.

  8. Perfect! I already have a lot of this stuff. Does the spackle have to be fresh?

    I don't know, Anonymous, I've always found the kids at Home Depot to be nice enough once I explain to them what spackle is, what duct tape is, what a screw is, what a nail is and what wood is.

  9. This explains why contractors, tradesmen, and handymen all look like Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, or young Robert Redford.

  10. I'm trying it in the morning - on my son! Why spend $$ on acne cream?

    I think 4 gold ****s are in order for 100% funny, 100% imaginative. (Always looking to one up Miss H. ;)

  11. OMG , bring it on. I am off to HD tomorrow. I knew all along that duct tape was my friend. I think it might work for "the girls" as well. My cleavage is presently in places noone would think to look! And spackle! Who needs that stinking Estee Lauder? Face lift on a shoestring. KB, you are on it girl!

  12. The girls in places no one would think to look...! V, you might give Karin a run for her money in the comic phrases department.

  13. Perhaps, but who are these daughters?

  14. I just love the word "spackle." Spackle, spackle, spackle---it makes me sparkle.

    I trust you're submitting this to Vogue.

  15. I really need to know how Petrea explained to the kids at HD what a screw was ... sorry past tense is for me ... for the kids it would be what a screw is ...

  16. Kelly has a great idea. Maybe add a little more...whatever maybe not. Do you have a Writer's Market Magazine?

    They provide the specs and such.

    I've been 7 Upped tonight, so 1 up means nothing to me. HAH!

  17. Julie left a comment, so the #3 spackle goes to Australia.

  18. I gotta belt sander in one hand and cold cream in the other. I gonna do a little eyework, ya know. Then the thing goes hog wild on me and splatters the cold cream all over the wall, on to a painting Miss H's secretary painted. The oil isn't dry yet. Should I just blend that cold cream into the paint?

    And what about my crows feet?

  19. Shit, MKO, my spackle is cracking. (But you're still a friend so here's a tip: try some steelwool on those problem areas. And I don't mean the painting.)

  20. Mister Earl,
    At this stage I'd take the "old " Robert Redford. HE's still warm isn't he??? I'd be happy to share my duct tape with him.

  21. Pfft. I learned all this stuff when I was in pageants.

    Actually, there is a friggin instruction manual on how to "tape" contestants, depending upon whether "the girls" are real, fake, big or small. Also swimsuit vs. evening gown.

    Putty works great for filling in cellulite dimples during swimsuit competition.

    You're welcome.

  22. I took your advise and tried it on Ramona. She seems to be happy with the results. Tomorrow were headed to Pick-A-Part for heart valve replacement. As I'm fond of saying "getting it cheap is part of the esthetic"

  23. Looks like Farmgirl is on the pro side of wood putty. I'm a minwax gal myself. PA, I knew Ramona would be a good sport.