Thursday, January 22, 2009

Bride of Chuckie Cheese

Wednesday, 11 p.m.
I wonder if I'll feel different after my first kill. I also wonder about the size of my prey. Will I feel guilty if it's small? Relieved if it is large? Grossed out to find out how large?

Basic instinct. If one owns a house, one must protect it.

Blood? Out of the question. And no poison. Instead, I had settled on the Maserati of contraptions -- a souped up electric death chamber in neon blue. $59.

The grim-faced man across the counter (who didn't ask for ID) said, "Lady, you'll get your maximum kills if you buy the Duracell pack." Maximum kills? We're not talking about a colony, are we? ARE WE?

No time to consider that. I have bigger, uh, things to fry. Time to prepare the scene of the crime.

I cover the kitchen table with newspaper and turn the open face of the deathpit to the wall. There will be a body, I hope, but not a body I hope to see. The bait? Something my victim finds irresistible: Brie.

Shuffle the dogs into the bedroom and close the door. While apparently totally uninterested in the live body, they will be fascinated by a dead one.

I sleep fitfully, listening for -- something. Nothing, just a lot of dog snoring. And a little dream time doggy chasing of something they would not chase when awake.

4 am.
Footfalls. Scratching. Then a zing. Or whatever sounds like an electric jolt. I can't stand the suspense. I tiptoe into the kitchen. The light on the death chamber blinks, which according to directions, means mission accomplished. I go back to bed.

Thursday, 7 a.m.
I wrap the chamber in newspaper and take it to the trash, my head averted the whole time. Holding the Maserati upside down in the trashcan, at first I hear nothing, then a thunk. Full of morbid curiosity, I want to look; confirm the kill. But I can't

Still, proud, but thoroughly revolted, I head back inside. Somewhere it's written, adults do this kind of thing without vomiting. And they do it a second night, for the ensurance.


  1. What's Chuckie Cheese, KB?

    Oh right - you like your cheese! I won't take this cheezzzeee post personally

  2. I hear you get double if the rat's death is accidental.

  3. Maybe you make it look like he tripped over the blow dryer cord and both fell into a pail of water. Let me get back to you on that.

  4. Brie? You must have French mice in your part of Altadena. I once lured mine with humble American cheese before releasing it into the wilderness.

    I had lunch to day with someone who caught a rat in a humane trap and then released it in his neighbor's estate-size yard at 3 am. My soul mate! (The lunch friend, not the rat)

  5. Susan is such a good person. Me, I pay professionals -- through the nose -- to set the traps and come back for them. Unfortunately, they come a specified time later and, until then, one must live with the smell of death. It's quite unseemly and disgusting. Thankfully, it's been a while.

  6. Good, the SOB's are gone. Bless you for having to go through rat hell. Maybe you can rest, I mean SLEEP in peace.

  7. Not exactly on topic but the "Double Indemnity" house is still standing. And is not anywhere near where the voiceover says it is. (It's near Beechwood Canyon.)

    (bryops is the word)

  8. 59 dollars???!!! you'd get a nice, fat hunting cat for that.
    Loved the suspense in the story... & gotta get some brie now (food bait works on rats, works on people).

  9. I will never look at brie the same way again.

  10. I hope you kept the receipt, you probably can return it.

  11. Isn't that rather like returning the dress after the prom?

  12. All this time I thought it was a mouse.

    Most people say, "I bought a rat trap and caught the thing." I like your way of telling it much better. Superb. And the photo is a perfect choice.

    K, can you tell us where the house is or would that be indiscreet? I like giving myself Hollywood tours.

  13. Pardon me for zipping through, just surfing via Kevin's blog.

    I hate bust your bubble, but you never ever have just one mouse.

    Bait tip: peanut butter

    Also, if you were interested in non-death alternatives the Ketch-All mousetrap (Google it) is only about $15 and will catch multiple mice in one setting without harming them. You would then have to do something with them, but a little creative thinking can frequently provide the most wonderful entertainment events. Just don't let them go within a half-mile of your house.

  14. Zip by anytime, Jonderson. But leave my bubble intact. (If necessary, I'll try your rememdy, but still, no sign of another...)