Monday, December 15, 2008

The real truth about altadena hiker



I don't like to speak ill of anyone, least of all the person who feeds me my barely palatable dry kibble. But that Karin is one cheap bitch. It's freezing up here in Altadena; there's snow on the mountain for god's sake. And I do not have the opposable thumbs required to turn that thermostat from a freezing 68 up to a tolerable 72 degrees. It's fine for Phoebe -- she's old and gets to crawl up on the bed because, well, she's old and apparently gets to do whatever she wants these days. Me? I have to find some corner of the service porch (Service -- hah!) and curl up like a donut to keep the frost off my stomach. I've put myself on EBay for adoption, listing all my finer points. I can dig a good deep hole, I can get rid of all the pesky vegetation in your backyard, I can chew up that Proust book you never meant to read anyway, and I can bark at my reflection -- sneaky devil, that. So look out, because I expect a bidding war.







Horrible dog-owner with addition: It's going to snow here tonight! Snow! Is the battery charged on my powershot for this historic occassion? Albert, where is the -- where is the ... other half of the power cord?



22 comments:

  1. I have two dogs confined to the frigid porch who are singing the same tune today, in protest of cats -- bunnies with long tails, and everybody knows dogs chase bunnies -- who get to sleep in the human bed and eat tuna.

    Maybe we can swap them and they'll discover the grass is greener in the other dog's yard?

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  2. Our dog Betty has a pink dress you can borrow.

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  3. I knew it! Cheap bitches to the right cheap bitches to the left and a solid rump roasting in between.

    Thanks for the information. It's going in the super top secret dossier.

    "porheat" ? I can't make that up.

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  4. Snow! I'm such a goober... I still jump up and down and squeal at the idea of snow! Yay!

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  5. Right now back east, there's a doggy welcome mat next to a whole lotta beds.

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  6. "But did she force you to go walking in the stinking rain," asks my damp and smelly dog Scout.

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  7. I've seen Betty in that pink dress, Susan.

    Boz sat next to me all evening crying because he had to go outside but refused to, even when it stopped raining.

    Are we really getting snow?

    Why does that poor pooch have to stay on the service porch? Oh, wait. Proust. Hole. Etc. Could you turn it up to 70 at least?

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  8. I hope your doggie is wrong. Snow? Here? Tonight? Yowza.

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  9. Oh, please, you're going to believe that lying dog? Or that dog lying? He's on the service porch just long enough to chew a cord and get dry. And half of that service porch is my office. Westphal weather in altadena said snow. For three days. I covered my crops in straw.

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  10. Gotta show this to Amy, our golden - I keep telling her she is spoiled rotten. Two cats, one dog, two people, one bed - somebody gets squeezed off & it's not the dog.

    Hey, did you write down that Gatsby passage from memory? Impressive. BTW - MFK Fisher is also a favorite of mine - living/ loving/ marrying/ divorcing in France; eating tar in Whittier; bell ringing in St. Helena.

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  11. I can see the problem you dogs have in your household - you've allowed the human to make herself right at home in your house! Probably a squatter.

    You need to remind her who is the master! She's your pet.

    What's wrong with you k9's? Even cats wouldn't have allowed such a situation to develop!

    I can see you missed some of your basic dog training.

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  12. I am willing to outbid anyone for you! Here in Alabama no worries about snow .
    V

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  13. Oh honey, I think you want to accept Virginia's bid. She's fun, she travels, and she knows a hunk when she sees one.

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  14. Virginia, don't think I won't head out your way. Just can't right now, because I happen to be devoted to that boxer (another bitch). She's brave enough to stand up to that ugly black dog that stares at me from windows, plus, she's built like a brick doghouse -- even if she is five times my age. But when she goes, I blows. I'll pack up some kibble and a couple of toys and take a freight train down south. Start saving those tennis balls.

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  15. wonderful poochie pics and story! Keep em coming hiker...

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  16. Did I ever tell you about the time Boz ran away from home? We'd only had him a month or so. He discovered a loose board in the gate. He took his bone with him (a beef knuckle from Trader Joe's) and went half a block, to stay with the teen-aged girl up the street.

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  17. Did you/are you getting snow? What did you cover with straw? We don't get as cold here as you do there, (my office is a converted porch, too, so thank god for that) but still, it would suck if I had to blog about bare dirt all winter.

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  18. I am more than 5 times anybody's age I think. I need you to help me FIND a hunk. Drop the boxer bitch like a bad habit and head south. I'll leave the pen open.

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  19. OMG altadena hiker you are too funny! Love your post also re. Ken Mac's stolen pic of Jack Russell puppy. Razor sharp wit and lovely sense of the ridiculous you have. Now I will look more closely at your photographs!

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  20. Thanks Cyd! Uh, don't look at those photos too closely...

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