Thursday, December 25, 2008

A memory, all right


Is it safe to come downstairs? Shhhh. Just want to get a bowl of cheerios. And whisper a few words about disaster.

Main course. My intentions were good as I cooked that sixteen pound rib roast. I've only tried four pounds before, so four times four is four times the fun, right?

I don't know where I went wrong, but I do know the perfume of failure is resting on this kitchen like a wet bear skin. I tried a few time-saving steps. Apparently, there are no short cuts in a sixteen pound roast.

Shhh, they're a bit peaked upstairs. Or the other synonyms might be, alphabetically : laid-up, lousy, mean, nauseated, not so hot, poorly, qualmish, queasy, rickety, rocky, rotten, run down, sick as a dog, suffering.

Most of the wizened evidence rests in the trashcan outside, way way outside. Squished on top the recipe book called Kitchens of Light. Garlic instead of cloves, what the hell is the big deal? And salt has always been my friend. Toil, toil, more olive oil.

Shhh, I hear stirring upstairs. It sounds like they're ailing, bedridden, broken down, confined, debilitated, declining, defective, delicate, diseased, disordered, down, feeble, feverish, frail, funny, green, hospitalized, ill, impaired, imperfect, in a bad way, incurable, indisposed ...

Oh, I come home tomorrow.

Do stop by for lunch.

45 comments:

  1. Thank heavens I have no ambition. Turkey, always turkey.

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  2. I only bake, leave the cooking for someone else. :)

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  3. Ouch! Pain to the pocket book and then pain to the stomach and ego. I hope you recover with something simple and delicious.

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  4. Yikes, so sorry, my friend! Hope all recover nicely and soon. And I admire your honesty in this post; when I have kitchen disasters, I bury them in the backyard and swear everyone to secrecy.

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  5. You know, I haven't been to many Norwegian restaurants lately. I gotta go next time, next time I find one around.

    Maybe that says something.
    But, KB, keep the faith, don't give up!

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  6. Mr V mistook the meaning of two garlic cloves on Susan's butternut squash recipe to mean two heads of garlic. In an act of solidarity, I ate it. No one will be visiting me today except maybe you. Sometimes you just have to wait out food poisoning with garlic stinkers.

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  7. Say what you will. This is a poem. Toil, toil olive oil? That's art. I love this post.

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  8. This sort of thing never happens in Nepal. That's why my housekeepers and cooks are all Sherpas.

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  9. And you can bet
    It never, ever happens
    In Tibet

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  10. So what happens in Tibet, stays in TIbet????

    Oh, and that's one helluva big roast. Who were you feeding Cox's Army???
    V

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  11. It is indeed a great story. Are you sure it's not all fiction?

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  12. See, Vanda, that's what I was thinking. You mean this really happened? Oh dear. And I do mean dear.

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  13. Hey, it's only a bad meal. At someone else's house. Kitchen disasters at home are sad, but worse yet to export them. Nothing that some pink stuff doesn't cure. Visit Finnegan (there's a link on my page), I think she's exploring something far more interesting.

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  14. I've got a sweet potatoe (yams) recepie from an old Sunset that will mask any other food problems ... I tried prime rib for 2 years in a row (it was WAY too expensive, & gave me the jitters to cook) & went back to trukey.
    LOL on the story...so vividly described

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  15. I'm with Virginia... 16 pound roast? Did you go to the Von Trapp family for the holidays?

    ("This too will pass" really should be a slogan for Pepto.)

    i hope you are all much better now.

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  16. that made me giggle... i suppose its not meant to be funny?? one pro to all this; next year you won't have to cook! sj

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  17. That's right -- it's back to making toastpoints for me.

    I'm going to lay this blame squarely where it belongs -- on Susan Carrier's doorstep. She told me about this market where everything is so inexpensive, but it's also so very, very big. (blaming Susan) All I could think of was how impressive this was going to be. (Still blaming Susan). So it was a valuable lesson in the price of vanity. (Will continue to blame Susan)

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  18. LOL! Yea, I'm such an easy mark.

    Is this the roast you paid like 8 bucks for?

    I'm thinkin' that Super King may not have the best meat department. I made my "famous" fried chicken a couple weeks ago with chicken pieces I purchased from SK. I was SOOO disappointed. It wasn't bad, just so-so. After all the work I put into it, I wanted it to be FABU.

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  19. I'd recommend Costco meats but then you'd go F it up and blame it on me.

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  20. You've got that right Petrea. (Altho, not if you rig the contest and let me win.)

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  21. I was going to recommend Costco too.

    Karin, look at it this way: Years from now (many, many years) you will all look back at this an laugh.

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  22. See now, Vanda, I was thinking just the opposite. Years from now we'll all look back on this and it won't seem so funny.

    I will not rig the contest. Not even for you.

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  23. You know me, I laugh frequently and easily. I've already forgiven (myself, not Susan).

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  24. oh, you do make me laugh! just had a peek at your post again (been following the follow-up comments!)LOVE the graphics! that picture - do you keep them stored on you pc for future refs or do you make mental notes - next time i write about so-and-so ill use this pic... funny, funny girl! (still not sure if i should laugh!??) sj

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  25. You know Karin, none of this would have happened if you had just served yak.

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  26. That was my point exactly, Laurie. Well, maybe it's not the Y-word itself that never misses, but the Sherpas who prepare it. I'm thinking Karin could F up a Y-word, too.

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  27. Laurie hit the nail on the head. I bet you can buy a 16 pound package of yak meat at Costco. And a 20 pound bag of potatoes to go with it.

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  28. I just ordered a Y-word souffle at Bristol Farms and I came home and excitedly opened the package, only to find yams. Yams ... the other Y-word.

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  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  30. I'm attempting to form a Yak Pack because something tells me I have no choice.

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  31. I was trying to help you avoid that, Karin, by refusing to use the word. But alas...

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  32. Ho! But ye a roast alas fore roasted fair upon over roasted alack...
    se
    I fear ye with a roast so roasted shall find me in the dark alone.

    Fear ye!

    I run.

    I seek ye a yam unloved and non-Altawegian.

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  33. A Yak Pak for the Hiker.
    Seems fitting.

    You're on a blog roll, KB!

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  34. Give Albert the message that I left him a comment on my blog.

    Yak, the other dark meat?????

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  35. "A Yam Unloved and Non-Altawegian" -- wasn't that one of Pynchon's lesser known novels?

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  36. Oh Karin, I feel your pain. Hope your next meal turns out so yummy it blots out the memory of this one.

    And stories like this actually become even funnier with time, if that's possible to contemplate.

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  37. I'll contemplate, if you're serving leftovers. My god, that food looks good.

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  38. I'm with Susan C. Super King is not the place to buy meat. Veggies--yes. Meat--no. Alcohol--that place is one giant liquor store. Not for wine, but for everything else.

    Word verification: leash

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