So, I'm reading lots of articles on how best to cut expenses during these tough economic times. And god knows, with only the occasional freelance bone thrown my way, cutting back is a necessity. It's a time for give and take, and here's my give:
1. Tighten your belt. No, I mean it, really tighten that belt on your waist, hard. Your stomach will stick out above and below, and you'll be so appalled you won't feel like eating.
2. Sell stuff. Old books, clothes, identities, blood.
3. Stop paying bills. I'm not an economics major, but do you know how much I saved by implementing this simple little step? Don't kick yourself; it's never too late.
4. Cut off the auto sprinklers and fire your gardener. Stick up a sign in the weeds that says "California Native Wildlife Sanctuary." Put an insignia on the sign so it looks like you won some kind of award.
5. Sleep with your dentist.
6. Only visit friends at dinnertime. Lest they turn the tables, always have your lights off and curtains drawn at dinnertime.
7. Threaten untold humiliations if anyone eats other than dry Quaker Oats for breakfast. Visual aids help. A sparkletts bottle full of change with the note: Take to Ralph's," for example.
8. Sleep with your veterinarian
9. Use the horse shit from the local stable as fertiziler and mulch. When neighbors hint at flies, tell them you've gone green.
10. Start a small business. Think supply and demand. A fly extermination service is one idea.
11. Sleep with your accountant