Thursday, September 25, 2008

Go poisson


Food bloggers -- puhleese. They think they're all that and a bag of homemade Provencal-herb sprinkled chips. What the hell is so hard about it? Plus, they never cover the important stuff -- like, you have to wash the dishes first. Duh.

Economy getting your down? You want pretty pictures and comfort food? Trust me, you don't have to spend the afternoon in the bean curd section of your not-so-local Asian market. Here is my first food blog recipe:

Sandwiche avec poisson et une petite dollope de mayonaisse

Ingredients
Bumble bee tuna (in oil please, not that water soaked crap)
White bread (I'm kind of a gourmet, so I spring for the sourdough)
Best Foods REAL mayonnaise (Even when the Best Foods Fake Mayonnaise is on sale at a really good price, I steer clear. But I have good taste. Maybe it's all the same to you.)
The stray lettuce leaf that's at the bottom of your crisper. And if you find a radish there, so much the better.
Lots of du vin (We all know what the "lots" means -- Trader Joe's)

Kitchen Tips
Wash a knife and fork (I mean today; yesterday doesn't count)
Wash a bowl (see note above)
Wash some counter space (just keep looking at that note, ok? You can't go wrong.)

Methode

So all these food blogs get away with saying "to taste," as in "salt and pepper to taste." "Garlic to taste." I say they're getting away with murder. But then, so will I.

Mix tuna with 1/2 cup of mayonnaise to taste.
Add lots of salt to taste
Spread thin layer of mayonnaise on bread, and layer lettuce leaf and misc vegetables to taste.
Oh shit, don't forget to toast the bread first. We're not savages here.
Add spoonful of tuna on toast to taste
Light candles
Set out wine glasses (refer to counter-space note)
And finally, I think fruit makes a nice presentation w/ the meal.



Easiest post I ever did. So please Susan Carrier and Blue Kitchen and the lot. I'm on to you now. and after a few more recipes, I think I'll go after those photography blogs. Composition, shadows, image, lighting -- puhleese. They never even tell you to wipe the lens first.

22 comments:

  1. K, i was trying to follow your recipe but I got confused:

    When you get to the line where you typed, "Oh shit,...", did you mean to type, "ADD shit?", instead?

    Is this similar to replacing cow milk with human breast milk?

    Thanks 4 your help.

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  2. YOU crack me up! heheee. Good stuff here.

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  3. I feel an operatic aria coming on. Off to find the highest hill in Pasadena.

    Did you know that I am a collector of bad, veddy bad cook books? I have quite a collection with fabulous photos. Pimento stuffed olives and grayish oysters garnish chipped beef on toast in technicolor. I will have to blug it for you.

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  4. You are so hilarious, K! I must make this tonight.

    Cafe also had me cracking up with the "add shit" comment.

    I was just thinking tonight about starting a weekly "food flop" feature on my food blog with outtakes like scarfing down the day-after wedding cake, the disastrous Japanese eggplant I sauteed in (YUCK) bacon grease, etc.

    I did a post a few months ago about the eggs that exploded in the kitchen while I was trying to boil them.

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  5. Well rinse your utensils, my dearies, because I have an ice cream trifle coming your way tomorrow. Eat your heart out Jo, and cookbooks will have nothing on this Miss H. Although the exploding eggs are something I hadn't considered. (Cafe: you must repeat the class. Talk to your counselor.)

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  6. I recently made a version of enchilada sauce by adding packets of Taco Bell hot sauce to Cambles tomato soup. I should have used ketchup instead.

    Back when I was attending art school at CSLB, we called this "the tuna can"

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  7. what is that fish's name? tony tuna? great post!

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  8. It's not nice to make a fellow blogger laugh so loudly she wakes up her sleeping 3 year old...

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  9. Thanks all -- your comments are much appreciated. I had such fun I'm going to give this one more go, then I'll lay off and pester some other genre.

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  10. The reason we don't mention rinsing utensils here at Blue Kitchen is we have cats. You'd be amazed at how effective those rough little sandpaper tongues are at dislodging even though most stubborn baked on--oh, shit, I mean microwaved on--food from dishes.

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  11. Don't worry Terry. There's not one of us who believe you or Susan C or Jo actually turn on the oven. We know when you say bake at 350 for two hours, you really mean microwave on high for ten minutes. To taste.

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  12. It looks complicated, but I'm going to give it a try. You give me hope that I can actually achieve something in the kitchen. I'll do it when John's home so I can have an assistant.

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  13. Someday I'll share with you my recipe for "Beans on Toast." Oh, wait, that was it.

    (Also re your question about my bridge shot. Yes, it's in Silverlake, on Franklin. Built in the Twenties I believe and rebuilt after the Northridge earthquake. Very quaint, very narrow.)

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  14. Oh, the bridge on Franklin in Silverlake? In the Franklin Hills part of SL, right?

    U must mean the Shakespeare bridge. Almost like a miniature replica of a bridge but the real thing!

    I like that bridge - an understatement.

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  15. You should know that most of my suppers are burritos made with Rosarita refried beans.
    I just can't talk about it out loud on my "food blog."
    xx

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  16. It's a bad, bad thing when the comments are funnier than the blog. I must work harder on the next post. Yes, cookie crumb, I say the world has been itching for a foodie expose. And you and "K" should whip up a dinner.

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  17. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Come on now, you're letting out all our secrets! heh.


    Now... I have to ask... are you going to give all those sex bloggers as hard a time as us food bloggers?

    :P

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  18. I wouldn't even know how to look at a sex blog. Well...it depends on what they're showing. Go ahead, Karin, give 'em a run for their honey--er, money.

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  19. I'm as puzzled as Susan. You mean there's sex on the internet? And I thought daily photos were outre...

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  20. K, what's this I here about you, Petrea, Jo, Susan & sex blogging!!? My big ears just perked up when I heard that!

    I donut think I wanna be associated with that stuff. But, I know food & sex is a hard combo to resist. So, good yuk!

    Until now, the only thing I knew about the subject was what I heard @ Madame Havashim's.

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  21. Next thing you know they'll be telling us there's gambling on the internet. Some people will believe anything.

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