I know for a fact, A FACT, that these food bloggers who are telling you to buy this, and blanch that, and saute here, and braise there, are laughing up their cook's apron sleeve. Cause guess what? While you're at Whole Foods trying to find late summer pears and baby goat cheese, they're pouring a vodka punch cooler and ordering Thai Take-out.
I ran into blogger Susan Carrier at Ralphs with her arms full of Ruffles and ranch dip. She begged me to spin this and say she was buying 2008 Olive Oil Umbria for her tempanade.
Food bloggers -- They make you drive to scary destinations, chop like there's no tomorrow, heat your house to 450 degrees, and have your family staring at their plates in disbelief. In the interests of the food you cook actually making it on to the forks of family and friends, and without taking out a line of credit, here are just a few myths I'd like to debunk.
Myth: Only cook with wine that is good enough to drink.
You can cook with rot gut that has been corked for years. Why? Because you're going to salt the hell out of your food. And whatever salt doesn't hide, the hot peppers will. And besides, if the wine's good enough to drink, you drank it.
Myth: Fine cuts of beef should be cooked rare or medium rare.
What, you want to be in the ER while you're eating? I say, no type O on my plate. Here at the Hiker Kitchen, we've coined a new term: Superwelldone. Whatever the recipe calls for, always add 10% to the cooking time and temperature.
Myth: For fresh seafood, just a light saute or brief grilling is sufficient to bring out the flavor.
Forget what they say, just know: Everyone hates fish. So bread it, bread it, bread it, and then deep fry until there's nothing left but a dark brown crust. Drench in tartar sauce. Don't forget the salt and hot peppers.
Myth: When it comes to dessert, buy the very best ice-cream.
What, you didn't lose enough in the stock market last week? For god's sake, you're going to smother that puppy in blueberry sauce anyway, no one's going to know what's underneath so long as it's cold. Rite-Aid Vanilla-Like-Flavored Ice Milk. On sale. And fry the damn thing if it has passed the expiration date.
Get the idea? Put your mandoline up on Craig's list. Deep fry, salt, and syrup are a cook's best friend.
Dinner at eight. RSVP. Bring wine, I'm out.
(Those still in denial will enjoy: Blue Kitchen, Open Mouth Insert Fork, The Adventures of Kitchen Girl, and I'm Mad and I Eat.)