Saturday, September 27, 2008

Eat, Drink, & Be Merry for tomorrow we will fry

I know for a fact, A FACT, that these food bloggers who are telling you to buy this, and blanch that, and saute here, and braise there, are laughing up their cook's apron sleeve. Cause guess what? While you're at Whole Foods trying to find late summer pears and baby goat cheese, they're pouring a vodka punch cooler and ordering Thai Take-out.

I ran into blogger Susan Carrier at Ralphs with her arms full of Ruffles and ranch dip. She begged me to spin this and say she was buying 2008 Olive Oil Umbria for her tempanade.

Food bloggers -- They make you drive to scary destinations, chop like there's no tomorrow, heat your house to 450 degrees, and have your family staring at their plates in disbelief. In the interests of the food you cook actually making it on to the forks of family and friends, and without taking out a line of credit, here are just a few myths I'd like to debunk.



Myth: Only cook with wine that is good enough to drink.
Truth
You can cook with rot gut that has been corked for years. Why? Because you're going to salt the hell out of your food. And whatever salt doesn't hide, the hot peppers will. And besides, if the wine's good enough to drink, you drank it.

Myth: Fine cuts of beef should be cooked rare or medium rare.
Truth
What, you want to be in the ER while you're eating? I say, no type O on my plate. Here at the Hiker Kitchen, we've coined a new term: Superwelldone. Whatever the recipe calls for, always add 10% to the cooking time and temperature.

Myth: For fresh seafood, just a light saute or brief grilling is sufficient to bring out the flavor.
Truth
Forget what they say, just know: Everyone hates fish. So bread it, bread it, bread it, and then deep fry until there's nothing left but a dark brown crust. Drench in tartar sauce. Don't forget the salt and hot peppers.

Myth: When it comes to dessert, buy the very best ice-cream.
Truth
What, you didn't lose enough in the stock market last week? For god's sake, you're going to smother that puppy in blueberry sauce anyway, no one's going to know what's underneath so long as it's cold. Rite-Aid Vanilla-Like-Flavored Ice Milk. On sale. And fry the damn thing if it has passed the expiration date.

Get the idea? Put your mandoline up on Craig's list. Deep fry, salt, and syrup are a cook's best friend.

Dinner at eight. RSVP. Bring wine, I'm out.

(Those still in denial will enjoy: Blue Kitchen, Open Mouth Insert Fork, The Adventures of Kitchen Girl, and I'm Mad and I Eat.)

29 comments:

  1. love that title. Thought you were talking about the stock market at first!

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  2. I'm in! Invite me over! And let me know when you want me to show you how to make a link...

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  3. You are that good.

    Brava!

    Now, I can sleep tonight.

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  4. Oh, and bring enough 2 buck chuck to get us all snockered and I'll bring the deep fried tuna sammies.

    Go Pippi

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  5. I'll bring the chips and the sour cream and french onion cream dip.

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  6. KM, I do so hope that doesn't pan out. And Petrea, yes, how lazy am I. Show me links. As for the rest of you -- it's past 8 and the tartar sauce is starting to run. Jo's son was supposed to make us something we could actually eat. Miss H, if Chuck is gone, cooking sherry is perfectly fine given the right stemware. And Susan, I'd think you could produce just one bag of chips from your stash.

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  7. Well, someone has to do the taste testing, so I'll bring my appetite. I'll try 2 b brave. And, I don't want any more leftover crumbs from the table.

    Hmmm, a lot here 2 chow down on...I'll be back 4 2nds later.

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  8. Okay, next time you're posting you should call me and I'll talk you down. I mean talk you through it.

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  9. Ok, P, I need all the help I can get!

    Hey, you're a writer, rite? I could use a ghost writer.

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  10. Karin, you should be syndicated. This rocks. I have to laugh that at every holiday function where I have cooked myself into near exhaustion, the ONE dish that always has everyone screaming for more is... wait for it... chips and Velveeta queso dip. I'm not kidding.

    BTW, all this time I thought I coined the term Superwelldone!? When I was pregnant, my OB gave me all kinds of literature about what not to eat and I found out about how many microorganisms could turn my precious unborn child into a genetically mutated alien form. Since that time sushi and rare beef (and most soft cheeses and all raw vegetables and fruits and honey) have just not had the same appeal.

    Now, where are those chips and onion dip?

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  11. L, u think this is good - wait til K does her thing on de sex blogging!

    btw, K used 2 b part of a syndicate - de times of los angeles.

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  12. Given all the news today, I'm ready for velveeta and cheese. Don't disappoint me guys.

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  13. screw the cheese, after the news today I say we go right to the Boones farm... wrapped in a paper bag, of course.

    Ug.

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  14. I am so fucking depressed that even Boone's Farm is too high end for me (besides, do they still make that stuff?).Throw me the mad dog 20/20, oops, how did I know about MD -- must have been a Bukowski novel that Miss H mentioned. I'm too depressed to care. What's the phrase, "Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?"

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  15. BTW, I hate all politicians. There's a special place reserved in the deep fryer for all of them. A drop more? Don't mind if I do.

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  16. I am starting to feel economic high anxiety. I was up until 5 am trying to educate myself about the bailout plan, national debt, credit default swaps, and I have come to only one conclusion: I need Velveeta dip.

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  17. K, you're starting 2 sound like me about the pols - I mean, de selfish, cowardly phonies.

    Don't get me started!
    But, please do Vote! Just not for these establishment party machine candidates, aka Hypnotists! That's a good way 2 register your dissatisfaction that will get their attention.

    Did I say, don't get me started?

    Consider increasing your liquidity.

    I wish these pols would allow dogs to run 4 office....

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  18. I've always known that one day I would be eating cat food. I'm just hoping its later then sooner.
    Yes, they still make Boonsfarm and MD 20/20 (I've heard it referred to as a subtle Kosher merlot). In my pre-21 days I frequently made my way up to Altadena where a particular neighborhood market (on Penn steet) was willing to take my money and not to ask questions.
    So true about the fish. While your at it can you explain sushi to me?

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  19. When I was in the military, on Wednesdays we ould have ham with a pineapple slice, potatoes with brown gravy thick enough to support a flagpole and sweetpeas. I still have a problem with pineapple in the presence of HAM. Kin ys' do anything about that, doc?

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  20. Guess I could have put a can of kitty queen between those two slices bread, but even I have some sense of decorum. I liked your post 3dot, but that's a shame you can't spare a dime.

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  21. Forget about the kitty food. It can be more expensive than tuna. My friend Bob got my adopted cat Puss hooked on Fancy Feast and she won't eat anything else. He was paying 89 cents for a tiny 3 oz. can in his SF neighborhood. Meanwhile, my other two cats get dry kibble.

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  22. Oh this is such a funny post! I'm all with you on fried foods and the economy. I spent the whole Saturday obsessing over what I should be doing to keep my measly savings from disappearing in thin air, and eating fried chicken. Btw, Costco sells small packages of chicken bundled in big packages. It's so practical and fits in the freezer so well!

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  23. What a great post! My un-chef downfall? I use a cake mix! Yes, from a box. So shoot me.

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  24. I'm the last person who would shoot you. You know what -- I think I'm going to plan a round-the-states tour of all the foodbloggers. You guys are so sweet, I'm sure you'd feed me and put me up for the night.

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  25. My secret: Budweiser and burritos. All the time.
    Come on up for a visit. You might have to sleep in the backyard, because you've been mean to me.

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