Saturday, September 6, 2008

Beauty and the balls

It just happened in the past five years. I don't believe you can play in a tennis major unless you've won an international beauty contest first. Especially the men.

I like the trend. If I'm going to spend a weekend watching a sporting event, so much the better if it's aesthetically pleasing on all levels. Look at the evidence: Federer, Blake, Gonzalez, Haas, Safin. In the past there was the occasional Adonis --Boris Becker was kind of hunky. Sampras, if you liked that sort of thing. But there were lots of frogs. Ivan Lendl springs to mind. Todd Martin looked like a school principal, for god's sakes. Prior to 2003, anyone could play. The US Open allowed the short to challenge the gangly; the pale to smash serves to the sun-damaged.

But not anymore. Or, wait a minute, so I thought. Who let Andy Murray in? Who thought it was a good idea to let a 70-year old Scottish sea captain play in a major? He's dour and awkward, and has a beard growing from his neck. And he just may beat Rafael Nadal. Jesus will weep.

If I were 13, I'd spend my time cutting up tennis magazines to make a Rafa collage. I'd put up a Rafa screen saver. I'd belong to a Rafa ring. And because of what transpired today, I'd light candles at my Rafa shrine.

He's the perfect adolescent fantasy boyfriend. Body of a Greek God, face of an angel, sexy accent. Everyone loves him. Even McEnroe is not immune as he gushes, "Incredible physical specimen." Get a hose John.

When we were kids, my dad equated the word "cute" with effeminate. So when we called a boy cute, as in "He's so cuuuuuute," Dad would screw up his face and mutter something in Norwegian, it might have been frukt kake.

But Rafa is cute. And if they think I'm going to watch stringy old Mr. McGregor hit it out in the final instead of Nadal, they can think again. Find someone else to flesh out your dismal ratings CBS. I'm going to...I'm going to...Oh, to hell with it, hand me those matches and where are my scissors?

Adendum: Shrines don't work


  1. So funny and so true! I'm not a tennis fan, but I can't resist the eye candy.

  2. You said it sister. This guy puts all my junior high crushes to shame. Wait a minute, except for Mark Olhman -- mysterious new kid from Hawaii who wore a silver Porsche jacket and was (gasp) A TENNIS PLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!

    Great post. I just love the way you write and think.

  3. Pasadena Adjacent
    As your father said, never apply the description "cute" to men/boys (and may I add OR art). Not on top of tennis though I did pass by the one of the Williams girls while channel surfing.

  4. Even a macho guy like moi can understand the facination with a guy like Rafa. Several degrees of separation brought me from Susan C, where she commented on my blog, to you, where she commented on your reference to Rafa. I got lost in the loop and am trying to get back to Susan C to comment on her HOT DOGG & BEANS! I gotta get a life. I gotta WORK!

  5. You know, the instant gratification of having such intelligent, funny people actually visit and comment on my blog keeps me coming back for more. And if you want to lose a whole day, make sure to visit all my betters' links. Chris, I tried to add your link to my site, but get an error message related to your address.

  6. nevermind, your link works now. Oh, and Laurie, mine was Mark King (baseball). In my mind's eye he was over 6 feet tall in 7th grade -- 5'5'' more likely.

  7. Zuchini's, balls & boys. Early in my life i learned never to be surprised by the female.

    Just don't ask me which is my fav fem blogger - an impossible question 2 answer. You're all fab.

    I may never be able 2 b a serious blogger as long as I hang around your species.

    But, K, have u tasted the eggs of Dervaes??

  8. I wouldn't be able to choose my fav -- men or women -- either, LO. But why have to? Each has such a unique voice, POV. As to Dervaes eggs, no, but I want to. The duck eggs in particular. Have you? (Three thumbs up on the rat't'l, lemme tell you.)

  9. I don't watch tennis but from this picture he looks creepy. Are you still my friend?

  10. It's just my photo, trust me. Trust Laurie.

  11. Your spaniard lost to the englishman, andy murray.

    Now, andy plays your other man, federer, for the championship. Andy has a winning record v. federer.

    But, K, i know the tennis is not what you'll be watching.

  12. I criticized your cutie is all.

  13. Yeah Petrea. I cried a little but I'm ok now. You're wrong LO, now I'll be stuck actually watching the tennis.

  14. Pasadena Adjacent
    I thought it was dogs..turns out posting "cute guy" draws um in